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Title - Fan Contest

An Interview with Dr. Cube

March 2, 2006

From time to time, Louden Noxious likes to sit down with Dr. Cube to catch up on his evildoings. Louden sees it as a way to keep tabs on the Big Battel's biggest evil. Cube sees it as a chance to belittle a simpleton.

LOUDEN: Well, Dr. Cube, lets dispense with the traditional interview pleasantries. How are you?

CUBE: I am great. They don't call me the great Dr. Cube for nothing. You buffoon!

LOUDEN: OK... So, what's new with Dr. Cube's Posse?

CUBE: Well, I've always lot going on with Dr. Cube's Posse - evil schemes, nefarious plots, you know, the works. We do have a new member, and I look forward to his debut at the upcoming Big Battel in May.

LOUDEN: Wait, what? A new member? Big Battel in May?! What are you talking about?

CUBE: Louden, you clueless clown. It seems like you aren't quite up to speed on the big doings in Kaiju Big Battel.

LOUDEN: How am I so out of the loop?! You don't think my uncle's thinking of replacing me, do you? Is it Beav? It can't be Beav! He's barely even a sidekick!

CUBE: Oh stop your whimpering, Louden. I highly doubt the Commissioner's thinking about canning his own nephew. Though if he had a live brain cell in his chocolate-addled brain he would can your rapidly-growing posterior.

LOUDEN: When this interview is over, I have to make some calls. Anyway, back to the interview. What has been your greatest failure? And your greatest success?

CUBE: Although Cube is great and powerful and omnipotent and almighty and also the best, I would have to say my greatest failure so far has yet to be achieved. I know that might seem like a strange thing to say, but my all-knowing brain has already calculated to a one-thousandth of a decimal point the logical outcomes of all things and actions and their inherent consequences for the next thirteen millennia. At some point, it will be in my best interest to feign a failure in order to produce optimum results. To divulge more would jeopardize my meticulous planning. Suffice it to say that in the future, be sure that any apparent fault or failure on Cube's part is all in accordance to a beautiful and brilliant plan, the intricacies of which, if defined even in the simplest of terms, when explained... would melt your brain.

As for my greatest success... my, my my, that is a difficult one. I've had, and will continue to have, so many: the perpetual motion machine; time travel; the unifying theory; I was particularly proud of beaming patterned ions into the ionosphere, and using that as a means to completely control every weather system. Although I was disappointed with the name Katrina. I honestly don't know why it couldn't have just been called Hurricane Cube.

LOUDEN: Are you implying that you were responsible for the devastation of New Orleans caused by Hurricane Katrina?

CUBE: Ah yes, although that wasn't my implicit goal, it was the fortuitous happenstance of trying to achieve the perfect temperature at Cube HQ. We had a golf tournament that day, you see, and things needed to be just right.

LOUDEN: That's absolutely horrible.

CUBE: Yes, well, that's Cube's Posse.

LOUDEN: Speaking of achievements, when and against whom will you next defend the Kaiju Big Battel Championship?

CUBE: Well, ever since the Commissioner instituted that LUDICROUS "24/7 Mandate," which once again, let me point out I knew was going to happen, I have had to assign extra Minions to watch my back constantly. The KRC has proven itself to be a manipulative, petty, holier-than-thou organization, the sole purpose of which seems NOT to protect and serve mankind from the threat of Kaiju, which could easily be achieved under my control, but to undermine ME at every turn.

You have no idea what this rule has reduced my life to! Just last week, while heading to bed to rest my Cubely omnipotent brain to slumber for the night, having tucked myself in the comfort of my own 9 level, fortified, titanium steel somna-chamber 2000, I was drifting away to peaceful sleep... when who should appear, but "Senior Kaiju Official" Jingi, who had the gall to count me as "pinned" by my goose down comforter! Luckily, I was able to kick out at 2, and deliver my Icono-clysm finisher, which was enough to stifle the upstart bedding and retain my Kaiju Title, but I haven't had a decent night's sleep since.

As to whom I shall face next, it matters not. I have trained myself in the most deadly of martial arts, and refined them into a style which I have dubbed Jeet Kwun Cube. There is no problem I can't think myself around, and no obstacle I can't crush. Cube will face anyone!!! Print that!

LOUDEN: You know I hate to ever even sort-of-agree with you, but from what I understand, the "24/7 Mandate" has inconvenienced pretty much the entire Kaiju Big Battel community. I mean, the Kaiju Heros are all on high alert. The Heroes are working overtime to curb potential Kaiju Danger. Some Heroes are supposedly working additional overtime in hopes of taking that Kaiju Belt from you!

CUBE: As usual, the Kaiju Commissioner's lack of foresight has got him in a bind. This whole "24/7 Mandate" is turning into a cluster puff. My question is where does the KRC get all this money for extra Hero pay? I smell an accounting scandal. I know for a fact that Referee Jingi is making time and half now that he's working overtime to officiate potential Title challenges! Where is the KRC getting the funding to pay him? It's a suspiciois strategy if I ever saw one! Get Geraldo on it. We need a Dateline investigation!

LOUDEN: Well, Dr. Cube it may be an inconvenience all around, but the good people of Kaiju have spoken and they think it's high time the Belt goes to someone else. The Kaiju Commissioner is merely doing his job and serving the wants and needs of Kaiju fans.

CUBE: Poppycock! Regime Change may be an acceptable political endeavor, but this notion of a Tile Change is too much. The Kaiju Commissioner's blatant ploy to steal the Kaiju Belt from me is a discredit to the Kaiju Big Battel name. Shame on that shadowy figure.

LOUDEN: Well on that note, I look forward to seeing your defend your belt Dr. Cube, apparently in May. I promise I'll be there to commentate your defeatÉ as soon as I find out exactly where there is.

CUBE: Oh, I wouldn't count on it Louden. I look forward to hearing that fez-head Beav sing my praise as I emerge from the Battel victorious!