On an overcast Thursday evening in November,
Kaiju Big Battel descended upon the Roxy
in the Big Apple for Kaiju Rampage New York.
This highly anticipated Battel featured
the debut of the Danger Type Selector Wheel
and the first-ever Rat Trap, Lucky Charm,
and Weapons of Mass Destruction Battels,
new Kaiju Hero RoBox, and the messiest Danger
Zone yet. Early on in the evening, the massive
crowd -- which set the record for the largest
indoor event ever with a staggering 123,689
rabid fans in attendance -- danced, mingled,
and drank to the sounds of DJ Justine. Extra-special
security, added by the club in light of
the massive number of spectators and the
high potential for Danger, caused an extended
delay -- so when Louden Noxious's entrance
music hit, fans were foaming at the mouth
for the Battel to begin.
Battel 1: Can-Box Battel
RoBox defeats Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle
Last
time Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Batteled in
New York, the night ended with Hero Club
Sandwich dead in a local hospital. In an
effort to protect the citizens of New York
from a similar tragedy, the Commissioner
did what he does best: he commissioned a
new Hero to be built by Robo Dynamics. Unfortunately,
due to tough economic times, the budget
for this project was a mere $337.63. However
the geniuses at Robo Dyamics applied their
world-renowned robotics skills with a newfound
resourcefulness to create the cardboard-based
RoBox.
As his creator Dr. Nikolai Orekhov demonstrated
RoBox's capabilities to the crowd, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle charged the ring, ready
to claim another victim in his culinary-killing
spree. RoBox however proved to be nearly
impervious to pain, absorbing several blows
before striking a fitting blow against Sandwich's
slayer. Using his specially fabricated can-opener
appendage, RoBox ruptured Soup's can, causing
him to bleed soup just as he had caused
Sandwich to bleed Mayo on the fateful night
in Brooklyn.
Unable to staunch the flow of soup, Chicken Noodle
launched a last ditch flurry of attacks against RoBox in
an attempt to escape unscathed from the Battel. Just as
he began to climb the Danger Cage however, Dr. Nikolai
entered a series of commands for a new Robox offensive.
Quickly the recycled Robox overcame Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle and soon pinned the rogue with his signature move,
the Reverse Defragmenter.
Match 2: Danger Type Selector Wheel
Unibouzu defeats Sky Deviler
At the behest of the Commissioner and Danger Theorists
across the globe, Kaiju Rampage New York saw the debut
of the Danger Type Selector Wheel. Spun by Kaiju
announcer Louden Noxious, this Danger-enhancing tool,
passed over such Dangerous Battels as Cheese Puff
Fighto, Kaiju Kitten Fighto, Southern Fried Cockfight,
and Electro Cage Fighto and settled on quite possibly
the most Dangerous Battel ever: the Weapons of Mass
Destruction Battel.
The Battel began with the belligerent urchin Unibouzu
and the gluttunous Sky Deviler surround by a Danger
Cage full of weapons, including spears, a broad sword,
a battle axe, and a war hammer. Early on the two
creatures fought to a standstill, trading blow for blow.
In an effort to break the stale mate they vied for what
looked to be the most powerful weapon in the Battel: a
giant sword. But when they tried to remove the sword
from the stone it was embedded in, neither of the two
troublemakers was able to budge it. When Referee Jingi
attempted to remove it however the sword came free
immediately, adding to the mystery and myth surrounding
Kaiju's minister of justice.
After escaping a near beheading by Sky Deviler, Unibouzu
was further frustrated by his nemesis Uchu Chu, who
delivered a twenty kiloton bomb to his fellow Team Space
Bugger. While luckily for everyone involved the bomb
turned out to be a dud, this blatant interference sent
Unibouzu into a rage and he quickly picked up the victory,
scoring his first official win in the Big Battel.
Match 3: Tag-Team Championship Rematch
Los Plantanos vs. Napalean and Super Dimensional Slug 1
Following a messy, toxic sludge-filled game of Truth,
Dare, or Danger, Dr. Cube's powerful new tag team of
Napalean and Super Dimensional Slug-1 came to the ring.
Or to be more accurate, the terrible lizard Napalean came
to the ring. Dr. Cube continued to experience problems
with his control device for SDS-1, and the slug spent well
over 583 seconds making his way into the cage. Meanwhile
Los Plantanos arrived to the joyous cheers of the crowd
less those who had been knocked unconscious by Napalean's
sleep sray.
Los Plantanos, deteremined to avenge their loss at Boston
Roxy Ruckus, took advantage of SDS-1's absence by
launching a series of tag team maneuvers against their
giant opponent. To their dismay however, the lumbering
beast shook off the Cuban Clothesline, and the Plantain
Hurricaine, and eventually shrugged off double splashes
from the top of the cage!
Napalean then launched a ferocious attack on the
Plantain twins and finally received some support from
SDS-1, who Dr. Cube managed to coax into plummeting from
the top of the cage onto the prone brothers below and,
along with Napalean scoring, the double pin. For the
second Battel in a row, Dr. Cube's Posse left the Cage
victorious, leaving Los Plantanos no choice but to
retreat back to their jungle hideout to regroup.
Match 4: Toxic Rescue
Gomi-man Vs Slo Feng
After Cube's Posse's defeat of Los Plantanos many in the
crowd began to fear a repeat of Kaiju Roxy Boston where
Hero after Hero fell victim to the Posse and Team Space
Bug. Things were not looking bright, when Cube's trash
monster Gomi-man, fresh off a series of fatal toxic
splashings of humans, arrived. After Gomi-man doused
several audience members with radioactive slime, he
prepared to unload an entire barrel of waste on yet
another innocent human.
Having seen just about enough of Gomi-man's wave of
terror recently reinstated Hero Slo Feng, made his way to
the Danger Cage wielding his powerful war hammer Tordon
Skalle-Kressa. What followed was one of the most one sided
Battels ever to occur within the confines of the Danger
Cage.
Delivering blood-splattering blow after blood-splattering
blow to the toxic monster, Slo Feng dominated Dr. Cube's
monster and left him crumpled on the Cage floor. After
striking one more mighty blow with Tordon Skalle-Kressa,
Slo Feng scored the quick pin, and coolly strolled out of
the cage the victor.
Match 5: Lucky Charm Contest
American Beetle Vs. Call-Me-Kevin
The Lucky Charm Contest was a unique Battel designed by
the Commissioner to give two down-in-the-dumps Kaiju a
chance to break out of their funks. American Beetle had
recently been hospitalized after a toxic sliming by
Gomi-man, and Call-Me-Kevin was terribly depressed over
his failure to notch a victory since arriving in the Big
Battel. The rules of the Battel were simple: whoever
climbs into the giant box of Rucky Charms cereal and
finds the Lucky Charm wins the Battel.
As American Beetle was rolled to the Danger Cage in a
wheel chair by his lovely nurse, many in attendance were
shocked by his appearance. The once trim Hero had
swollen to nearly ten times his original size, and was
barely able to smile at his adoring fans from behind a
respirator. Then as the stunned crowd looked on in fear,
Call-Me-Kevin bounded into the Cage and tossed the
crippled Hero out of the wheel chair.
Call-Me-Kevin took advantage of American Beetle's
weakened state and pummeled the patriotic pugilist. The
crowd however refused to allow their champion to be
defeated and their chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" brought
Beetle to his feet and willed him to make his way into
the Rucky Charm Box. As he dug through the cereal, Call-Me-Kevin turned against the nurse and began attacking her.
Then, just in the nick of time, American Beetle found the
purple horseshoe, and broke through the box, rejuvenated
and transformed back to his old svelt form. Rescuing his
nurse from Call-Me-Kevin, American Beetle unloaded all of
his classic moves upon the spikey ocean dweller. When
Call-Me-Kevin momentarily managed to retaliate, he made
the fatal mistake of disrespecting the luck charm by
using it to depict several lewd gestures.
This drew out Rucky the Leprechaun himself who used his
giant wooden spoon to attack Call-Me-Kevin. Beetle and
the Leprechaun then teamed up for several attacks on
Call-Me-Kevin, finally finishing him off with the
Two-Man Celtic Chokeslam.
Match 6: Kaiju Big Battel Championship Belt Battel
Silver Potato vs. Uchu Chu the Space Bug
Silver Potato and Uchu Chu have had many memorable
Battels over the years, but none was ever quite like
this. Thanks to the Commissioner's surprise inclusion
of the Danger Type Selector Wheel in this Battel, the
floor of the Danger Cage was lined with hundreds of Rat
Traps, all of which were designed to snap their steely
jaws on insect and vegetable alike.
This brutal environment set the tone for a brutal
Battel. The two long time rivals exchanged painful
moves that exploited the rat traps- back drops,
pile drivers, and scores of other ingenious attacks.
At one point in the Battel, Uchu Chu even used Referee
Jingi himself as a projectile, knocking Silver Potato
onto a pile of traps. The Uber Tuber would not be
defeated though, and fought back valiantly, stopping
only to offer, much to the New York crowd's delight, a
B-Boy tribute to Jam Master Jay.
The Battel raged until a spate of run-ins threw
everything askew with Sky Deviler, Unibouzu, and Anna
Dromeda all making their presence felt. Finally, after
clearing the ring Silver Potato gained the advantage over
Uchu Chu eventually leaving the Space Bug stunned in the
center of the Cage. Potato then called for Kaiju's
Heroes and members of the Salbino Industries crew to pile
all manner of Battel debris on Uchu Chu before delivering
the Spudsault from the top of the Cage for the win.
As the Roxy crowd departed into the cold New York evening,
they had much to be pleased with: the Heroes had made
quite the comeback after their collective drubbing in
Boston at the previous Battel - Slo Feng was back with a
vengeance, RoBox avenged Sandwich's death in Brooklyn,
American Beetle was back to his familiar shape, and most
importantly Silver Potato was still the holder of the
Kaiju Championship Belt.