An Interview with Dr. Cube

Louden Noxious has been a longtime supporter of the Kaiju Heroes and the mouthpiece for the Anti-Cube movement, but he is first and foremost a serious journalist. With this in mind, Louden recently sat down with Dr. Cube for a tirade-free and shockingly cordial interview.

[Louden:] Lets start with the basics. Why did you get involved with Kaiju Big Battel?

[Dr. Cube:] I became involved in Kaiju when I realized that by conquering the Big Battel I could assemble an army of giant city-crushing monsters and take over the entire world. Why else would I be involved? I certainly don't do it for the free monster meat or the drink tickets!

OK, everyone knows you want to control the world. Why do you want to control the world?

If you do not want to rule the world, you truly are an idiot. The possibilities are endless. I never understood why Americans feared totalitarianism. Some of the most creative regimes in political history have been dictatorships. It's all about the power.

Does all that power get you Kaiju groupies?

No. I, for one, am a fighter, not a lover. I'll leave all the boozy floozies to you Louden.

Thanks! Your bio says that your pajamas smell like evil. How exactly does evil smell?

You fool! Everybody knows that evil smells like cheap cologne. Still, I didn't write that line of misinformation. That was written by the Kaiju Commissioner's staff of pulp fiction hacks. And no, I do not use cologne.

I agree with you there... I leave the cologne to the Europeans, like Slo Feng. Could you tell us about some of the high points during your Kaiju career?

When you are on your way to world domination, like myself, everyday is a high point. Winning the Kaiju Championship Belt was a real thrill. Recruiting half of China as my Minions with my new commie recruitment campaign was nice too. My next highpoint is right around the corner. This fall will see the release of my latest and greatest monster creation. Batten down the hatches and cover your windows with plywood because the entire world will feel the force of its debut.

Could you now tell us about some of the low points you have had during your career?

I'm on top of the world, foolish boy. There are no low points to be seen from this vantage point. I am the Kaiju Big Battel Champion! I do suppose that losing monster creations and Minions in Battel is never fun.

There are reports that you mistreat your Posse members. Are your Minions treated well?

Relative to Abu Ghraib prisoners, my Minions are treated very well. After all, they are mind-controlled zombies made in my image. For all intents and purposes, they are very low maintenance henchman. If they do act up, I medicate them with a bit of Huperzine A. There is nothing more annoying than an attention seeking hyper-active goon.

Speaking of hyper-active goons, you have been know to make a speech or two at live Kaiju Big Battels. What is your motivation for talking to humans if you think they are all such idiots?

I'm glad you agree that humans are idiots. I often try to enlighten drunken humans with an eloquent speech on the perks of joining my evil Posse. They usually eat up my every word. You know, I do have a rabid following...

OK, so everybody wants to know. What do you like to do in your downtime?

I have no downtime. My time is like gold, no - platinum, and I use it very wisely. I certainly don't waste it watching netflix and stuffing my face with cheese covered organic corn puffs. In the rare event that I need a break from my intense concentration on world-domination, I'll watch bootleg Kaiju Big Battel tapes and develop new tactics for shaming the Kaiju Heroes. That's always a fun distraction.

So the Kaiju Heroes are in tough shape these days... no thanks to you. What other monsters do you really want to destroy the most?

Monsters? With the Kaiju Heroes out of my way, all members of Team Space Bug are at the top of my "Destroy List," especially their leader, Uchu Chu. Uchu has recently begun to show his ugly face again. Apparently, he has run out of Royal Jelly and has crawled out of his hole looking for a refill. Sky Deviler was first to go and Chu Chu is next! Then I'll mop up the rest of Team Space Bug with the lifeless body of its leader.

What about Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle? In a recent online video, it appeared that he "served you," as the kids like to say.

I was winded from Battel. I have special plans for that brute. How rude can one be, to interrupt me while I'm in the middle of defeating Unibouzu. I'll teach Soup some table manners... Ha, ha, haaaa. Ha.

Why don't we hear about you in the news, if you are so evil and powerful?

Rupert Murdoch owes me money. Not only will the slime ball not return my phone calls, but he won't give me the press coverage I deserve.

We haven't seen much activity from you lately. Are you taking a vacation from evil?

Well, the world still moves when you close your eyes, doesn't it. Like the Yakuza, I keep my profile low. If I wanted to be hassled by the coppers I'd put a Grateful Dead decal and a Free Tibet sticker on my car. But I don't, so I fly around in a black helicopter. Nonetheless, I am not on vacation. I have been extremely busy preparing for the next phase of my plans for world domination.

What do you see on the horizon for evil doing?

Oh, there are many interesting things happening in the field of evil. Digital crime is a hot sector. To think you can blackmail just about any politician by copying his email account... that is pretty ingenious. The privatization of social security is a good scam too. I certainly wouldn't mind adding all those dollars to my private money collection. But going back to the fate of the Heroesm, I look forward to disposing of Powa Ranjuru. She's come back to the Battel after a long hiatus. The Commissioner said that she's returned to revive the Heroes' ranks, but I'm not sure what a masked tinker bell can do to help their lost cause. Still, as a precaution, I look forward to destroying her.

How do you feel about Team Space Bug ripping off your concept of selling monster meat? Are you aware that they are now selling pieces of the recently deceased Sky Deviler?

Team Space Bug is always a dollar short and a day late. They are hardly the trendsetters that I am. For crying out loud, they are the only alien insects that are stranded on this planet. Fix your Speak and Spell and get lost, for pete's sake!

What are your predictions for future mayhem in 2006?

Within the next year, I predict I will take out Team Space Bug and then the Rogues. With absolute control over Kaiju Big Battel I will have the power to take over the entire planet. Controlling squirrelly humans will be a whole lot easier than controlling giant-city crushing humans. So, yes, the name Dr. Cube will be a household name by year-end 2006. Americans think they have problems now, wait till I unleash an army of giant city crushing monsters on them.

Ok, now we have a couple of random questions from the fans. Here we go. "What do you think about Paris Hilton?"

I stayed there once in '97. I was forced to disembowel an insolent French bellboy who failed to avert his eyes in my glorious presence.

Not the hotel, the notorious celebrity.

I have no opinion, I haven't the time to worry about such humans. I prefer to engage in intelligent exercises concerning worldly affairs, and not trivial shallow thoughts such as lapdog-abusing trust fund tarts.

What do you think of the recent intelligent design debate?

The idea that aliens are the hidden designers of the planet Earth is absurd. Sounds like a Team Space Bug theory to me. Such blind theories aren't even worthy of debate. Moving on...

Some people say that Kaiju is the new cold war. What do think about the parallels that experts draw between Kaiju and the nuclear bomb threat?

What do you think this is, a Godzilla film? Save the trivial analysis for the academics. The bottom line is that Kaiju Big Battel is good versus evil, and who ever gets the life beat out of him loses.

Do you have any smart investment ideas to consider right now?

I'm a doctor, not an investment broker. You don't ask an evil mad scientist for investment advice, but since you asked, I have my money in Raytheon, Alaskan timber companies, and renewable energy sources. Oil is out, too many rats scrambling for the same dwindling slice of cheese.

That's it for today. I know you are a busy man, so thanks for your time. See you at the next Big Battel. Jerk-face.

Why, you - ! Get back here!