Kaiju Commentary | First Fight Out


		Kaiju Big Battel began 2003 with a raucous New Year's Eve party, the aptly titled First Fight Out. Before the actual Battels even began, Kaiju stars took the opportunity to celebrate the evening with the fans in attendance, doling out holiday gifts, posing for photo ops, kissing cute fans under mistletoe, and making general merriment. Even Dr. Cube's Posse mingled with crowd, albeit with sinister intentions, canvassing the partygoers with deceptive Pro-Cube propaganda. Finally special guests Akrobatik and Breeze Evahflowin', accompanied by DJ Sense, filled the Danger Cage with their lyrical stylings and conducted an impromptu break-off between Silver Potato and Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle. Then, with the stroke of midnight almost at hand, the Big Battel began. Match 1: New Year's Resolution Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Defeated RoBox Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle couldn't wait for the ball to drop to avenge his shocking loss to the newest Kaiju Hero, RoBox, at Kaiju Rampage New York. As Louden Noxious counted down to the stroke of midnight, the killer klucker burst into the Danger Cage and began to lay waste to the snow-covered cityscape. Seeing this wanton destruction, newly constructed Kaiju Hero RoBox rushed the Cage to put a stop to the terror. This was perhaps the robotic Hero's biggest mistake of the night. Fresh from an extended stay in China with his sensei, Mr. Wong, Soup unleashed a barrage of devastating new maneuvers upon Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle. High-flying flips and crushing corkscrews quickly overloaded RoBox's circuits and the new Hero was unable to mount any significant counter attack. Finally Soup delivered the Bouillon Back Flip for the pin, earning the right to fulfill his new year's resolutions: to kill again! Match 2: Santa's Secret Gift Exchange Unibouzu Defeated Sky Deviler Unibouzu and Sky Deviler couldn't get enough of the secret-Santa gifts presented to them in this Battel. Axes, swords, cinderblocks, and much more proved to be the perfect presents for these two murderous monsters. Fighting back and forth, the beasts battered each other with their armaments, much to the delight of the Kaiju crowd. However, neither combatant was able to gain the upper hand, even when Sky Deviler made a second attempt at beheading Unibouzu. Then, from out of nowhere, Unibouzu's fellow sea-dweller Call-Me-Kevin rushed to the ring carrying a massive warhead. After accepting Kevin's gift, Unibouzu debuted his devastating new maneuver, Da Bomb - a modified moonsault from the top of the Danger Cage with the 20-kiloton payload in hand. After delivering "Da Bomb" finishing move to Sky Deviler, Unibouzu picked up the easy pin for the victory. Match 3: Double Punch Drunk Holiday Party Los Plantanos Defeated Hell Monkey and SDS-1 Leading up to First Fight Out, both Los Plantanos and Dr. Cube's team of Hell Monkey and SDS-1 were partying in a manner not fit for first-class Kaiju combatants. Like the drunken fans surrounding the Danger Cage, all four fighters were high on bottles of booze and cheap champagne. Only seconds into the Battel, the festivities claimed their first victim when Pedro Plantain lost his lunch of cubanos and sweet-potato fries. Throughout this Battel, the tipsy twins tried mightily to reclaim the winning ways that had seemingly deserted them earlier in 2002. Overcoming Hell Monkey's simian acrobatics and Slug's voracious appetite for sweet plantains, the twins eventually delivered the Double Plantain Splash from the top of the Cage to score the pin and start 2003 off on the right foot. Match 4: State of the Big Battel Address Slo Feng Defeated Gomi-man American Beetle's state of the Big Battel address turned into quite the debacle. Before the patriotic pugilist even had time to begin his remarks, the putrid trash monster Gomi-man came barreling into the ring. Accompanied by several of Dr. Cube's Minions Gomi-man was able to humiliate the weakened Beetle, forcing him to wear a soiled adult diaper. Disgusted by this disrespectful abuse of an American Hero, Slo Feng made the save, knocking around Gomi-man with his warhammer and a barrage of power moves. Gomi-man fought back however, eventually tossing Beetle into a giant Gingerbread House in the Danger Cage. Much to Gomi's chagrin, this brought a Gingerbread Man into the Danger Cage. The colossal cookie dealt out some delicious damage to the putrid trash monster before helping American Beetle out of the Cage. Slo Feng then finished off Gomi-man and scored his second straight victory over Dr. Cube's vilest creation. Match 5: A Holiday Miracle Silver Potato Defeated Dr. Cube's Posse Silver Potato faced monumental odds in this Battel. Taking on not only Dr. Cube, but his entire Posse, the Spudster was without his companion Anna Dromeda, who was recuperating following an attack by Cube's Super Minions. Potato first took on Hell Monkey, and defeated the satanic simian in under thirty seconds, before quickly scoring a pin of SDS-1. Then, without even catching his breath, Potato busted some b-boy Battel moves to defeat Gomi-man. While celebrating this third victory, Potato was rudely interrupted by Cube's terrifying Super Minions #96 and #104. These towering Minions used their genetically manipulated appendages (stone-block hands on #96 and a massive tree branch arm on #104) to brutalize the Potato. The Uber Tuber would not give up though, fighting to defeat his gigantic opponents with a series of cunning moves that exploited the lumbering behemoths' low intellect and large mass. After this miraculous comeback, Potato still faced one more opponent Æ the evil Dr. Cube himself. The twisted madman wasted no time, delivering a devastating hurricanrana followed by a fisherman's suplex pin. Once again defying all odds, Potato managed to kick out of the pin and stay alive in the Battel. After exchanging closed-fist blows with the Doctor, Potato delivered a two-pronged attack of the Spudsault and a flying head scissors, leaving Cube motionless on the Danger Cage floor. Then, to the amazement of all those in attendance, Potato launched a B-Boy Bomb off the top of the Cage onto Cube and both Super Minions, scoring the miraculous win and remaining the Kaiju Champion in 2003.