Kaiju Commentary | Mayhem in the Atrium V

Evildoers beware! On the 28th evening of September in the modern year 2001, the Kaiju Heroes returned to the Big Battel ring after a many-mooned hiatus. Delivering interplanetary justice and other jaw-dropping surprises to a sold-out crowd at Boston's SMFA, these protectors of planet earth showed Kaiju's most sinister reprobates who was boss of the Big Battel. From an emo-licious Piebald performance to a slippery bug birthing to the heroic homecoming of Silver Potato, Boston's biggest block party showcased more dirt than a punk-rocker's fingernails, more underhanded moves than a casino card game, and more flaps than a pair of tighty whities. Danger did happen!

The Kung Food Killers Contest: Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Soup Vs. Club Sandwich

Featuring culinary chaos and dietary danger, this hearty match sated the most violent of appetites. Sandwich scored the first blow with his laughable "club," a silly-looking mini-cudgel that wasn't sanctioned by Big Battel regulations. Soup recovered from the baby-sized beating, steamrolled Sandwich, and followed up with an outpouring of leg drops and chicken-bone chokes. Just when Sandwich appeared to be dead meat, the white-bread walloper scaled the ropes and leapt onto Soup for the pin and the win, proving once again that Sandwich is not on the take-out menu.

Golden Banana Award: Los Plantanos Vs. Sky Deviler and Mota Naru

Kaiju's most beloved dynamic duo, Los Plantanos, received the illustrious Golden Banana Award in a long-awaited and much-anticipated ceremony honoring Kaiju's most stupendous tag team. But the path to victory was not an easy one for these courageous campesinos. When award presenter Dino Kang Jr. declared the Plantain Twins a victorious bunch, Team Space Bug's Sky Deviler became rapaciously enraged, at once devouring both the Golden Banana Award and Dino Kang Jr.'s arm. The Plantain Peel-out came to the rescue, duly performing a cavity search that was fit for a criminal -thereby extracting the Golden Banana from Sky Deviler's rotting bowels. ¡It was muy fantastico!

The Monster Mayhem Free-for-All: A Triple Threat Contest Between American Beetle, Dusto Bunny, and Mung Wun the Thai Fly

Pheromones are in the air! One of the many incidents in Kaiju Big Battel's continuing saga of insectuous love, the Triple Threat Contest became heated in more ways than one. When the match was first called, one of the challengers was missing: Mung Wun the Thai Fly! A Kaiju cameraman went backstage in search of the fly diva and found Miss Wun crossbreeding with an anonymous insectual fertilizer. As the live video feed ran, the audience got a glimpse of a sign that read: "In the room where monsters have sex, a pregnancy occurs and no one knows who the father is." It was such an explicit sight of promiscuity that your mama would've blushed.

Unembarrassed, Miss Fly made her fashionably late entrance into the ring, keeping her antennae high as the crowd whistled and catcalled. Dusto and Beetle continued to spar while Miss Fly clutched her thorax in pain. Suddenly, a galactic space baby egg popped out and a family feud ensued: Uchu Chu the Space Bug appeared, fighting American Beetle for custody of the gurgling larva. But which one is the true-blue DNA daddy? Stay tuned as this paternal drama enfolds.

The Kaiju Championship Belt Contest: Dr. Cube vs. Space Bug

Cube's evil reign of terror came to an end in this apocalyptic Kaiju Championship Belt Contest. Cube, a spoiled snob, refused to soil his hands with the notoriously filthy cheater Uchu Chu, so he ordered demented Super Minions #1, #2, and #3 to pummel the Space Bug. But the mindless Minions were no match: Uchu Chu took great delight in sidelining Cube's toadies one by one.

Still refusing to do the dirty work, Cube used his cell phone to call mercenary fiend Super Akuma, bidding the unbelievable sum of $15,000,000 for Akuma's bug-splatting services. A greedy free agent, Super Akuma was doubtful of Cube's financial solvency, so he kicked Cube's cashier's check at its signer and watched it bounce -- right off of Cube's square head. Within seconds, ladders swung, hospital stretchers slammed, and every bad man fought for himself. When Uchu Chu was just about to finish off Dr. Cube, the Commissioner broke onto the screen via satellite, declared the end of Cube's evil reign, and harked the return of the Heroes. Silver Potato officially sealed Cube's fate by nailing the mad doctor with a Spudsault off the top ropes. Above, the clouds parted, as peace and prosperity settled over the universe. But for how long can this peace last?