An Interview with Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder

November 18, 2007

Louden Noxious dropped the ball with this interview series when it initially started. But just because the Greek geek has been busy with other projects doesn't mean he won't ask the tough questions when necessary. The Warsaw patrons were pleading and the posters on the Kaiju message board have been begging, so without further delay, here is Louden's interview with Kaiju's newest Hero, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder!

LOUDEN: Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder...

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: That's Mista Power Tentacle Boulder to you, Rainbow Munch!

LOUDEN: My deepest and most sincere apologies good sir. Now please, if you would...

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: Aww, you clownin' now. I tol' the Commish I don't have time for no jibba jabba with no smart guy. The guy hafta be deranged to set this in'erview up.

LOUDEN: Boulder, if we could just continue. You undoubtedly made one of most successful debuts in Kaiju history. You beat French Toast in under a minute. That may be a new Kaiju record!

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: Well, you shoul' do yo' homework. Who's I got interviewin' me? It's a jerk! Seriously brotha, I will hurtchu. This is not no game. It's not a joke with me fighin' out here. I'm mean. I'm very snappy.

LOUDEN: Uh, OK. Moving right along. As of now, you appear to be a loner. With the constant threat of Dr. Cube and his Posse, as well as Uchu Chu and the Swarm, are there any allies that you are looking to make in Kaiju?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: I don' play that. You won' see an entourage - parasites and leeches tryin' to make a name off my success. I'm a hard-workin' street boulder.

LOUDEN: And so modest, too.

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: Shut up, punk. I just tell the truth. I don' get caught up in all the ego trippin'.

LOUDEN: Could you give the fans some insight into your rigorous training regimen?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: I should be restin' right now. In my room. Regardless, my strategy is simple. I don' plan to get hurt. And I'm all natural. I don' need nothin' else. You be drowsy if you be doin' drugs.

LOUDEN: Fair enough. Next question, let's see. Ah yes. Who do you credit for your success thus far?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: I am so grateful to God.

LOUDEN: Fascinating. Now, getting back to your impressive debut, you stated that your main priority in Kaiju is to become the Kaiju Grand Champion...

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: That's right. I guess you ain't as stupid as you look, even though I had to tell you a hundred times at the Warsaw. I want nothin' more than to hold that Champioship. Don't get me wrong, I don't need to prove to no one that I am the baddest boulder that Kaiju's ever seen.

LOUDEN: Well, they say talk is cheap. Heh heh. Pardon the pun, but you were on quite a roll, swiftly barreling over French Toast and then moving right through Super Wrong, defeating him during an impromptu fighto. You promised that you would take home the Kaiju Championship but when More Better Fighto came to a close it was Call-Me-Kevin who was standing tall. Some have speculated that you wanted to give the crustacean champion his moment of glory while others have said that you don't have what it takes to be the top dog in Kaiju.

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: WHO SAID THAT?

LOUDEN: Who said what?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: That I ain't got what it takes to be no Kaiju Champion!

LOUDEN: I don't know for certain. I think his name was Jason... something. I just overheard it in passing during my meet and greet with the great Kaiju fans after the...

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: I guess I haven't made myself perfectly clear. You got some goof-off who's bumpin' his gums and talkin' stink when he don't know nothin'. Has he ever been in the Big Ring? NO! Has he ever knocked not just one, but two monster's lights out in one night? NO! Ha! Jason, more like Ja-son-of-a... well, I don' need to go there. RESPECT YOUR MOTHER!

LOUDEN: Well then, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, why didn't you make your presence felt during the main event?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: Who are you to question me? Are you the police? All's you is, is a bothersome dweeb who needs to get out of my grate.

LOUDEN: Alright, alright. Just one final question, and I promise I'll shut up. Much of your past still remains a mystery to the Kaiju fans. Could you elaborate on your humble beginnings?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: I have had just about enough of that jive talk that you be spittin' out. You say one more word and I will pop you upside that dumb lookin' head o' yours. I guarantee you will be drinkin' yo' teeth.

LOUDEN: Please, quickly, any last words?

STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER: That's it, Rainbow Munch. I gave you plenty fair warnin'. You's about to be one squished reporter.