Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 1/13/05
Nothing Says I Love You...
Like vegetables riding on a rocket or an evil tree monster! That's the idea with two new limited edition Kaiju Valentine's Day cards. Hand-screened, and individually numbered, each card is a collector's item that will show your significant other just how much you care. Pick them both up in the Kaiju Mall now, where they're available as a 2 card set (1 for your significant other, 1 for your Mom) for just $2!
Kaiju Heroes Save New Year's Eve!
Just minutes after the dawn of 2005, Kaiju Rogue Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle crashed the stage at the Irving Plaza where electro-funk rock band Particle was playing before thousands of innocent humans. A stage manager attempted to usher Soup offstage but was dis-armed by the killer can and his razor sharp cleaver. Terrified, the band rushed offstage, as Soup continued his rampage. As the crowd began to scatter, Louden Noxious, who happened to be attending the performance in a VIP capacity, leapt onstage and called for a Kaiju Hero to intervene. Luckily Dusto Bunny heeded the call, and after a short skirmish, Soup got served!
The chaos wasn't over however. A few minutes later, Los Plantanos were giving Kaiju presents to the crowd, when The Grudyin reared its ugly head. Destroying the presents Pablo and Pedro had brought for the audience, The Grudyin instigated a mini-Battel, despite the Plantains attempts to pacify him with a series of thoughtful gifts (deodorant, flea and tick powder, toothbrush). Just when it looked like The Grudyin might kick off the New Year with a bang by slaying Los Plantanos, Neo Teppen arrived, beating the beast silly, before boxing him up and shipping him straight back to Dr. Cube.
With the night saved, the Heroes, Particle, Buckethead, and Peelander-Z celebrated well into the evening, knowing that at least for the first night of 2005, good triumphed over evil!
New Year's Resolutions.
After the Kaiju explosion at Irving Plaza, the Kaiju Commissioner has vowed to keep tighter reins on the menacing monsters.
Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle clearly harshed the mellow of many in attendance at Irving Plaza, and many innocent bystanders throughout the world in 2004. I resolve in 2005 that the Kaiju Heroes will put and end to the do-badding of the Kaiju Rogues, Dr. Cube's Posse, and Team Space Bug."
The Kaiju Rouges did not immediately offer a rebuttal, with precedent indicating they'll respond whenever they feel like it. Team Space Bug's spokesthing did respond, droning on and on about how Team Space Bug was actually pretty quiet in 2004, but they would be back on top of the violence and destruction game in 2005. Dr. Cube's Spokesminion said "Minion # meself revolves to mash you for 2005," and then handed the phone over to Dr. Cube himself, who resolved to use SDS-1's time travel capabilities to cause additional mayhem in 2004.
Dear Dr. Cube.
The other day in Rhode Island I noticed a Dr. Cube sticker on a mail box. Your popularity in Rhode Island will grow. I have convinced my friends to pledge themselves to you. One even put your name in for school president. Oh and Congrats on winning the title, finally they can't cheat there way out from giving you what you deserve. Your Servant, Names are worthless for you. p.s. may I receive a servant number.
Dear worthless human:
It will take more than feeble compliments to afford you a Minion serial number. You don't even have the terminology down. Servant? What do I look like Thomas Jefferson? I don't have servants, I have mindless Minions and although you are mindless, you are no Minion of mine. So, the short answer to your request is no.
Go do a headstand in a kiddie pool,
ps: Dr. Cube Propaganda Packs are back in stock in the Kaiju Mall.
Do you have a question for Dr. Cube? Email it to email@example.com.
Question of the Week:
What's the buzzing sound?