Kaiju Big News - August 2004

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 8/26/04

Big Battel Lineup Announced!

With less than two weeks left until Kaiju Big Battel: Tinsel Town Showdown, the Kaiju Commissioner has revealed the full Big Battel lineup. According to the Commissioner, he has crafted the lineup as an opportunity for the Kaiju Heroes to redeem themselves,

"Dr. Cube has run roughshod over Kaiju Big Battel in recent months, and it is time for the Kaiju Heroes to set things straight. I have every confidence that Neo Teppen, Los Plantanos, and a very special surprise Super Hero will teach Cube's Posse a lesson or two on September 8th in Los Angeles."

Dr. Cube has yet to respond to the lineup (see below), but stay tuned to kaiju.com for his reaction. In the meantime make sure to get your tickets for Tinsel Town Showdown at ticketmaster.com, or at any Ticketmaster outlet.

Filter Magazine Presents
Kaiju Big Battel: Tinsel Town Showdown
Who: Kaiju Big Battel with musical guest Darker My Love
Where: Avalon Hollywood, Los Angeles, CA
When: September 8, 2004. 8:00 p.m.
Tickets: All Ages. Tickets available at all ticket master outlets, including Tower Records, Robinson's-May, Wherehouse Music, and Ritmo Latino locations, or online at ticketmaster.com. Charge by phone at 213.480.3232.

Tinsel Town Showdown Schedule of Events

Musical prelude by Darker My Love
Special Short Video Feature, What Is Kaiju?

Battel 1: Eternal Justice of the Aquatic Kind
Neo Teppen VS Call-Me-Kevin
Kaiju Evildoers beware! Neo Teppen has arrived. A mysterious Martian force turned Teppen into a secret-powered fighting machine and he has put all the Kaiju Rogues on notice: malevolent behavior will no longer be tolerated! First up on Teppen's hit list is the perennial sea loser Call-Me-Kevin. Kevin recently sank two tankers for no reason other than his own amusement, and this delinquent act caught Teppen's eye. Now Teppen promises that the spiky sea creature will learn the true meaning of justice. Be afraid!

Battel 2: Mystery Hero Debut Battel
Gomi-man VS ???
Is Kaiju ready for a new super Hero? Brace yourself: the Kaiju Commissioner has promised that the newest defender of humanity will deliver a makeover to the surly face of Kaiju Big Battel. But the new Hero's emergence is shrouded in a cloak of anonymity. Only the Commissioner knows the true identity of this mysterious new champion and he's not revealing anything. Will Gomi-man be able to stop this new Heroic juggernaut? Or will he just take his lumps like a (Gomi-)man? Put your hands together for the newest Kaiju Hero!

Musical Tribute to Silver Potato starring J-Pop Superstar Chikako
Sing songs of Potato praise! Or better yet, let J-pop superstar Chikako do the singing for you. Last time Chikako performed a tribute to Silver Potato, Dr. Cube's Posse bumrushed the ball, leaving a wheelchair-bound Potato mashed. But the breakdancin' b-boy has since been scraped off the Danger Cage canvas. And now Chikako's prepared to give the tribute one more try! To guard against any interference from Cube and the Posse, Los Plantanos will be the bouncers at this concert. It could be a food fight!

Battel 3: Fruit and Fauna Battel
Los Plantanos VS SDS-1 & The Grudyin
It's double-duty for the Plantain Twins. Not only will the florid freedom fighters be providing security for the Musical Tribute to Silver Potato, but they're also taking on the two of the nastiest members of Dr. Cube's Posse. Dr. Cube was sick of the shark-ape-thing known as The Grudyin constantly losing, so he's added SDS-1 to aid him in the defeat of Los Plantanos, the greatest tandem to ever tangle in Kaiju Big Battel!

Battel 4: Kaiju Championship Belt
Hell Monkey VS Unibouzu
When fire meets water, will Hell Monkey boil Unibouzu's blood? Or will the prickly sea beast extinguish the satanic simian's flame? At Brooklyn Double Danger, Unibouzu stole Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle's spot in the Championship Battel. Thanks to Dr. Cube's henchmen, Hell Monkey was able to hold on to the belt, but not before Uni put a scare into the demonic ape. Tonight, Unibouzu gets a chance to avenge the loss. But will possible interference by Cube's Posse, or perhaps one disgruntled Soup can, prove more than Uni can handle?

The Swarm Trailer!

For months, rumors have swirled about a supposed unsanctioned Big Battel between Dr. Cube's Posse and Team Space Bug. According to the grapevine, a legion of Cube's Minions, backed by Hell Monkey, and Dino Kang Jr. among others had taken on the newly born Swarm, and the rest of Team Space Bug. The resultant Battel, is said to have been the most epic conflict in Kaiju history, and now, thanks to the handy camera-work of several KRC field agents, this unsanctioned Big Battel has been immortalized on film! You'll have to wait until the release of Kaiju Big Battel's upcoming DVD The Shocking Truth to see The Swarm in all its widescreen glory, but for now check out The Swarm: The Trailer, in the video section.

The Swarm: The Trailer is just one of three trailers available on the limited edition Kaiju "Official Bootleg" promo DVD. Alongside the trailers, the DVD features the full version of the short feature, What Is Kaiju? This DVD will not be re-pressed, and the only way to get a copy is by ordering $20 or more of merchandise from the Kaiju Mall. All such orders will receive the promo DVD absolutely free. Offer good while supplies last.

Hell Monkey Hammered.

The last time the Kaiju Commissioner pitted Kaiju Championship Belt holder Hell Monkey against Unibouzu, the urchin-monster took the Belt from around the one-eyed monkey's waist. Luckily for Hell Monkey, SDS-1's time traveling antics wiped the loss from the timeline. So it would stand to reason that Hell Monkey would rededicate himself to his training and come to Tinsel Town Showdown more prepared than ever. However Hell Monkey, always the maverick, has taken another approach - drinking himself silly. In fact, this summer has been one long, blurry binge for Dr. Cube's most loyal henchman. Estimates have put Hell Monkey's alcohol consumption on par with a small nation, or the student body of a state university. Exactly how this will impact the Kaiju Championship Belt Battel is unclear, but true to form, Dr. Cube is said to have more than one card up his evil sleeve.

Ask the Commissioner.

Are there any worries that Dr. Cube or any of the Kaiju Rogues might disrupt the Olympic Games? From Otaku Kun.

Dear Otaku Kun,

I certainly have considered the possibility that Dr. Cube or another Kaiju agitator might attempt to disrupt that noble celebration of amateur athletics. So, earlier this summer I launched a three-prong plan to prevent any such disruptions:

1) Schedule Tinsel Town Showdown for early September. Hopefully all of the Big Battel's baddies will be to preoccupied with their Battel preparations to bother with the Games. Furthermore, all Kaiju combatants have been warned that they will be barred from competing in LA if they interfere in Athens.

2) Place the Olympics Under a Media Blackout. With the cooperation of IOC and the major media outlets, I have established a complete media blackout for the Olympics. With absolutely no coverage of the Olympics in newspapers, on television, or on the side of cereal boxes, it is hoped that the Kaiju Rogues will just forget about the Games altogether.

3) Send undercover Heroes to Athens. As we speak, American Beetle is disguised as a boxing coach for Team USA, Slo Feng is posing as Team Sweden's masseuse, and RoBox is cleverly masqearding as one third of a medal podium. Should all other measures fail to prevent a Kaiju attack, these Heroes will leap into action.

I feel confident that these measures will keep the Olympics monster-free, and a fun, wholesome event for all.

Your Friend,
The Kaiju Commissioner

Do you have a question for the Kaiju Commissioner? Email it to commissioner@kaiju.com.

Question of the Week:

What should Tim and Rob's trucker names be?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 8/20/04

Cube Creates Craw!

In a press release issued this morning, Dr. Cube unveiled his newest creation, Craw. Craw, also know as SMX 0001, is the first a new line of Minions that Cube has dubbed Super Minion Extreme. According to the press release, Craw is equipped with a metallic jaw and claw, as can be seen in this leaked photo. It is not yet known if Cube plans to unleash Craw at the upcoming Tinsel Town Showdown Battel, but the creature has reportedly been spotted stalking the Hollywood Hill alongside fellow Posse member, The Grudyin.

To see for yourself if Craw will have his coming out party on September 8th in Los Angeles at Kaiju Big Battel: Tinsel Town Showdown, get your tickets now at ticketmaster.com, or at any Ticketmaster outlet.

Cube Trademarks Extreme.

In a related story, Dr. Cube has obtained the exclusive trademark over the word extreme. Apparently a pack of Minions, a hand drill, and a healthy serving of antifreeze was it took to convince a court clerk to issue Cube the trademark over the word that has become pervasive in the worlds of action sports, advertising, and men's health products. Cube's legal team is now busy filing injunctions against the likes of Gillete (Mach 7 Extreme G-Force Face Ripper), Chili's (Fajita Extreme Nacho Blaster Pretzels), TGIFriday's (Extreme Fajita Pretzel Nacho Blasters), and "rock stars" Extreme.

Call-Me-Kevin, a Looting Loser.

In another slap to the face of the beautiful, yet conservatively dressed, metaphorical woman named Decency, Call-Me-Kevin this week hijacked a relief truck baring Kaiju T-Shirts destined for Hurricane victims in Florida. Kevin was incensed when he saw on the news that the Kaiju Commissioner was donating ten thousand T-Shirts to the relief effort, but noe of the featured any of the undersea Kaiju Rogues! The jealous jerk-face ripped the trucks cargo apart, and then proceeded to floss his baleen, with the shredded clothing. This attack is only likely to strengthen the resolve of Neo Teppen, who has previously vowed to take Call-Me-Kevin down at Tinsel Town Showdown.

Free Special Promo DVD.

Since the announcement two weeks ago that all $20+ orders from the Kaiju Mall will receive a limited edition DVD featuring trailers and a sneak preview of the next Kaiju DVD, merch has been flying off the e-shelves. Already this week, several T-Shirts and Girlie Ts have gone out of stock, so don't hesitate - buy $20 of Kaiju merch today, and get your limited edition DVD now!

Question of the Week:

Is this week's news a) written from a beach, b) unedited, c) unspellchecked, or d) all of the above?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 8/13/04

See Teppen in Tinsel Town!

Kaiju Hero Neo Teppen, renewing his pledge to rid Kaiju Big Battel of all Rogues, has once again set his sights on undersea agitator Call-Me-Kevin. While Kevin has been laying low this summer, Teppen has provided the Kaiju Commissioner with evidence linking the spikey Rogue to the August 11th sinking of a drilling rig off the coast of Egypt. In response, the Commissioner has granted Teppen a match against Call-Me-Kevin at the September 8th Big Battel in Los Angeles. To see Teppen take on Call-Me-Kevin at Kaiju Big Battel: Tinsel Town Showdown, get your tickets now at ticketmaster.com, or at any Ticketmaster outlet.

New Teppen Trailer Video!

With Neo Teppen making headlines for his no-tolerance take on Kaiju Rogues, the Kaiju video department couldn't think of a better time to release the newest trailer from Kaiju's upcoming DVD release, The Shocking Truth. The Neo Teppen Show Trailer gives you a taste of what happens when Teppen takes on a special mission to rescue Slo Feng from the clutches of Dr. Cube.

If you'd like your own DVD copy of the Neo Teppen trailer, plus other new trailers, and an exclusive pre-release version of the short feature What Is Kaiju?, then make a purchase of $20 or more in the Kaiju Mall right now, and get a limited edition Kaiju "Official Bootleg" promotional DVD, absolutely free!

Ask the Commissioner I.

"Is Kaiju coming to San Francisco?" - Little Matty Glaser; "come to seattle please please please please!!!!!" - Christi; "When is Kaiju coming to Las Vegas?" - WizKid97.

Dear Little Matty, Christi, and WizKid,

I wish I could tell you that a Kaiju Big Battel is currently scheduled for your city. But unfortunately, due to security concerns (preparing a city to handle an influx of giant monsters is an equally giant job), there is only one Kaiju Big Battel scheduled for the West Coast this year: Kaiju Big Battel: Tinsel Town Showdown on September 8th.

But don't fret, for as citizens of California, Washington, and Nevada, the only thing separating you from a live Kaiju Big Battel is a short (or not-so-short) road trip. From what I understand, road trips are fun for people all of all ages, and are practically an institution for America's youth.

So warm up your engines, sketch out a route, and get your tickets now. After all, you wouldn't want to drive all that way just to find out there are no tickets left!

Your Friend,
The Kaiju Commissioner

Email your questions, concerns, and complaints to commissioner@kaiju.com.

J-Pop Superstar Attacked.

In a shocking attack this weekend, J-Pop superstar Chikako was left hospitalized after Minions of Dr. Cube laced her lunch with a cunning concoction of explosive confections. Sitting down for her usual meal of blueberry yogurt with grape-nuts, and a tall glass of refreshing Calpis Soda (the only soda endorsed by Chikako herself), Chikako had no idea that just minutes earlier agents of Dr. Cube had mixed a prodigious amount of Pop Rocks candy into her yogurt. When the Pop Rocks and the Calpis Soda mixed together the results were tragic, as Chikako's personal physician explained,

"Contrary to popular myth (most likely begun as a cover-up for the assassination of Mikey during the covert Cereal Wars of the late 80s), mixing Pop Rocks candy with a carbonated beverage does not cause your head to explode. That's just preposterous. What actually happens when the two mix is that your head grows to between 3 and 4 times its normal size and, like a newborn child, your enormous skull becomes too big for your neck to support, and you instantly keel over. It's really quite funny. No wait - I mean dangerous. Definitely dangerous.

Due to the injury, Chikako has canceled all appearances through October, as it is expected to take over two months for her head to return to its normal size.

Ask the Commissioner II.

I'm totally baffled by your explanation of what happened with SDS-1 last week. The whole thing sounds made up to me, but that's not the point. What I want to know is this: Is Dr. Cube still the Kaiju Champion? If not will he get a title shot in LA? - Andy P.

Dear Andy,

I'm sorry to hear that you were confused by last week's explanation of SDS-1's reckless super-dimensional accident. Perhaps you should have paid a little more attention in physics class. That said, let me review the salient points for you - SDS-1; Dr. Cube; super-dimensional travel; reverse geo-rotational notation; time zone; space-time anomaly; upside-down-cake-ish one-way wormhole; Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! erased from the timeline; Hell Monkey still the Championship Belt holder.

Now that we're clear on what happened, let me emphasize that this was all Dr. Cube's own doing, and he has no one to blame but himself for wiping his Championship Belt Battel victory from existence.

As far as who will fight for the Belt at Tinsel Town Showdown, I am currently considering petitions from several different Kaiju combatants who wish to face Hell Monkey in Los Angeles. I encourage you to check back next week to see who I have chosen.

Your Friend,
The Kaiju Commissioner

Question of the Week:

What does Governor Arnie think about Kaiju Big Battel coming to his state?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 8/6/04

Kaiju Goes West!

This morning, speaking via satellite, the Kaiju Commissioner announced the first ever Kaiju Big Battel on the West Coast,

"Los Angeles is ready for the Big Battel. California is ready for the Big Battel. The West Coast is ready for the Big Battel. And I am ready to give it to them! So on September 8th at Avalon Hollywood, Kaiju Big Battel: Tinsel Town Showdown will bring together all the forces of good and evil in Kaiju Big Battel for one night of Hollywood action so explosive, not even a Michael Bay movie could contain it!"

Tickets for this Battel will be hard to get, as this is Kaiju's first and only West Coast appearance planned for 2004. With fans from all over the region vying for tickets, make sure to get yours early at any ticketmaster location, online at ticketmaster.com, or by phone at 213-480-3232.

Cube's San Diego Slug Surprise.

When Dr. Cube set out for the San Diego Comic-Con last month, he expected a mundane, low-stress weekend of Minion recruitment, and maybe a little bit of maniacal evil, if time allowed. Thanks to a glitch in his control software for SDS-1 however, the weekend turned into an unmitigated disaster. Running late for the Con's opening night, Cube decided to hitch a ride on SDS-1's super-dimensional back. Grabbing his G-6 Slug Joystick, Cube commanded the muto-mechanical monster to lurch across dimensions and deliver them on the Con's doorstep. A simple plan, if not for an unnoticed programming bug in the Slug's guidance software.

Unbeknownst to Cube, SDS-1's on-board computer used reverse geo-rotational notation, rather than the more common left-handed uni-directional notation, to calculate the necessary time-zone adjustments to his super dimensional trajectory. Consequently the Slug, with Cube in tow, arrived in San Diego in a dimension much like our own, but where Day Light Savings Time never existed! An infuriated Cube completely rewired SDS-1's controls and eventually shunted them back to the correct dimension, but in the process he spawned a small space-time anomaly.

In the weeks since, Cube has been dismayed to see the result of this super-dimensional super-accident - this spring's Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! Battel has been completely wiped from the space-time continuum! Why only this event has disappeared is unknown, but marginally respected scientists worldwide have speculated that trace coordinates in SDS-1's memory may have somehow been introduced into what is now being called "an upside-down-cake-ish one-way wormhole." Kaiju.com will have more on this breaking story next week.

Cube Seeks Allies.

The San Diego Comic-Con wasn't all about inter-dimensional disasters that threaten to collapse the universe in on itself. Before the full implications of SDS-1's time zone snafu were revealed, Cube pounded the indoor pavement, recruiting new "allies" into his Posse's fold. What was Cube looking for? In the words of the evil doctor himself, he was looking for the following qualities, "physically fit, sharp of mind, and willing to have your brain topped up with antifreeze." View Cube's Comic-Con Recruitment Campaign, and then vote for who Cube should have chosen to join his Posse.

Huge DVD Giveaway in the Kaiju Mall!

Several weeks ago, the Kaiju Commissioner ordered the creation of a small number of Kaiju "Official Bootleg" promotional DVDs, featuring a sneak preview of the short feature "What Is Kaiju?", and other excerpts from Kaiju's next DVD. These special DVDs were intended for the Commissioner's friends, relatives, and business partners, but a box of them has found it's way into the hands of the Kaiju Mall workers. So, while supplies last, anyone who spends $20 or more in the Kaiju Mall will receive one of these DVDs absolutely free. These highly sought after DVDs will not be repressed and will never be available anywhere else, so secure your copy by placing a $20+ order in the Kaiju Mall today!

Kaiju Fries Intern.

Kaiju Headquarters was the site of another intern-related accident this week, as ace Kaiju web intern Tony Labriola, was accidentally exposed to a brain-enhancing ray during a botched experiment in Sentai Jin's laboratory. The long-term effects of the ray are unknown, but in the short-term Tony's cognitive functions kicked into high gear, allowing him to complete in a matter of days, countless projects that had been on the web team's to-do list for months. Tony is now heading back to Villanova, where other students are likely to cower in awe of his super-enhanced brain.

If you would like to follow in Tony's shoes, visit the Kaiju jobs page where you can learn about, and apply for the web internship, as well as other Kaiju intern positions for the Fall.

West Coast Street Team Rallying Call!

Are you a Kaiju fan on the West Coast? Do you want to help spread the word about the upcoming Tinsel Town Showdown Battel? Then email streetteam@kaiju.com right now, with the subject "West Coast Street Team." In the body of the email include your name, where you live, and the name of the closest metropolitan area. In a few short days, we will email you back with details on how you can make Kaiju's first West Coast Battel its biggest yet!

Question of the Week:

Are Peter, Paul, and Mary part of Cube's Posse?