Origins of a Hero Spud
Silver Potato, Kaiju's beloved super-hero,
started his heroic life like most humans,
delivered to earth as a gurgling pink baby.
Many years and repressed memories later,
the young spud acquired a full-time job
as a Blokbuster Video clerk and spent his
post-pubescent days watching action movies,
repeating lines from Kevin Smith's Clerks,
break dancing, and devouring bags of popcorn.
He was, to put it bluntly, the average American
loser.
Life
can change on a dime ø and Potato's did
during one fateful lunch break. Alone in
the Blokbuster employee lunchroom, the
retail worker began heating up his favorite
brown bag meal of baked potatoes and cheddar
cheese when a terrible explosion occurred
involving several VCRs, an overloaded circuit,
a microwave oven, a Bruce Willis movie,
and the cheese-dripping, foil-wrapped potato.
When the smoke cleared, it became evident
that the aluminum-clad food had commingled
with the retail worker's DNA.
Following
the accident, the transmuted tuber spent
many months in isolation. Dumped by his
starch-hating girlfriend and fired from
the video store for blowing up its back
room, Potato had plenty of time to master
his newfound radioactive powers. Not only
did Potato realize that he now possessed
finely honed wit and dashing charisma, he
also discovered that he had supernormal
speed and agility.
Six
months later, when the sparkling Potato
emerged from his fusty apartment, he began
using his super powers to shred injustice
and thwart humiliation against decent people
everywhere. And as soon as the FBI caught
wind of Potato's maverick ways, the US Government
abducted, er, quietly recruited him to its
ranks, grooming the carbohydrate-heavy veggie
into a national weapon of justice.
During
this bureau-sponsored crime fighting period,
Silver Potato first encountered the malignant
ways of Dr. Cube. The demented Doctor had
been mass-producing poisoned dog food under
the company name PAPER AND SLIPPERS, NO
MORE and marketing the chow as propaganda
for puppy empowerment. When Potato learned
about Cube's deadly product, he single-handedly
foiled the smarmy plot by destroying the
secret location of the crudely-proteinized
dog food factory. The Food and Drug Administration
heard about Potato's super nutrient prowess
and the FDA lobbied to get him enlisted
its ranks. Leery of a life spent fighting
mad cow disease, Potato resigned from the
high life of a government subsidized crime
stopper and turned to Kaiju Big Battel,
working as an aide to the former Commissioner.
Since
his arrival to Kaiju, Silver Potato has
wowed the fans with his Double-Baked attack,
good looks, and irrepressible charm. But
Cube can't be swayed in his distaste for
the starchy vegetable: Silver Potato was
the first wrestler to fall victim to the
wiles of Kaiju Big Battel after Cube had
seized the federation from its incompetent
commissioner. During a KBB-sanctioned tag
team match, Potato hit a Spudsault and defeated
Uchu Chu and Hell Monkey; Cube was so distraught,
he sent his Minions in to kidnap the semi-precious
potato.
Nevertheless,
Kaiju fans love Silver Potato, likely because
his story insinuates a moral that comforts
the lazy: even losers have a second chance
at greatness.