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Dr. Cube

Evil Creation

If evil was a pop song, Dr. Cube would be its chorus. If evil was a Boston cream pie, Dr. Cube would be its creamy custard filling. If evil was a supermarket, Dr. Cube's photo would hang by the Customer Service desk. Dr. Cube is evil. He sleeps, breathes, and eats evil. His toothbrush drips evil. Even his pajama scrubs are washed in evil.

But Cube wasn't always pure evil. He is human, although he publicly renounces that fact, and his mortality began as a Nazi bio-engineering experiment. During World War II, Hitler conscripted a brain trust of German scientists and commanded them to bio-engineer the perfect man. So they customized a genius genome, homegrew it with cutting-edge classified technology, and hoped for a brilliant baby boy. But before the toddler grew out of diapers and the geneticists could see the success of their experiment, the Allied forces crushed Nazi Germany. The fugitive scientists, before escaping to South America, abandoned the child and burned his lab-report files. Finding the infant in a charred basement lab, the benevolent Allies placed the minor in an orphanage with hundreds of other refugee kids not realizing this little one's great potential for big evil.

After the war ended, a kindhearted infertile English couple adopted the gurgling bambino through a post-war waif-rescue program. Unbeknownst to the toddler's Anglo-Saxon parents, genetic tampering was causing the kid's intelligence to expand exponentially. Noticing that their preschooler was super-smart, but reclusive, sickly, socially stunted, and prone to hideous acne attacks, the protective parents chose to home-school him. Naturally, the boy became a bigger geek and spent his formative years in solitary, constantly tinkering with lab equipment and rudimentary methods of cell reproduction. By high school, the autodidactic adolescent had dabbled in everything from paleontology to embryology to cytology scientific disciplines his peers couldn't pronounce. While other 16-year-olds were out egging houses, playing chicken, and brawling in parking lots, Cube toyed with microscopes, microorganisms, and microbes: on prom night, the overwhelmingly eager teenager experimented with osmosis in the back of his mom's station wagon.

When he finally left home for college, Cube studied cosmetic surgery, hoping to learn how to repair the unsightly acne pockmarks on his cheeks. But he quickly grew bored with the slow pace of higher education: after two months at a top-tier university, he'd already absorbed four years worth of lessons. One dreary Saturday night, Cube decided to take matters into his own hands and make his face as sublime as his brain. He anesthetized himself and started cutting.

A freak earthquake, allegedly caused by a nearby Kaiju rumble, botched the operation, leaving Cube with severe scars and rodent-like mutilation. When Cube looked in the mirror, he saw the features of a dying leper wrapped around the mind of vibrant genius. Kaiju Big Battel psychologists speculate that it was this gory sight that drove him mad.

Estranged, angry, and hideously ugly, Cube resolved to rule the world. He donned a square helmet to conceal his hideousness, added the prefix "Dr." to his business cards, and began creating monsters with drastic forms of surgery, as well as cross-pollination and gene splicing. His first successful beast was a black widow crossed with a blue jay and a dandelion. Eventually he spawned Minions, and later, his own personal gang of monsters: the red-hot party animal Hell Monkey; the mephitic trash monster Gomi-man; the cute, but irrepressible Dino Kang Jr.; the walking stink-bomb known as Polo Cato; and the megalithic Napalean.

Cube's three-step plan for world domination consists of genetic modification, mind-controlling propaganda, and terrorizing mankind with his posse of giant, city-crushing monsters. And someday, with the support of his monster death squad, the mad doctor swears he will rule the planet Earth.

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