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Louden Noxious

Road to Noxiousness

Mediterranean by origin, noisy by name, Louden Noxious began his life in a poor fishing village located on a shore of mainland Greece. At the tender age of six, Louden lost his parents when a battalion of Durakis rebels pillaged the tiny baklava bakery his mother and father owned. For the next six years, Louden was shuttled from orphanage to orphanage along with his sole possession, a dark silhouetted snapshot of his only living relative, a rich uncle who supposedly resided in America.

When Louden turned twelve, he decided to track down the man in the shadowy photo. One morning before dawn, he stowed away on a fishing vessel bound for the Atlantic; after enduring a voyage with more twists, turns, and detours than Homer's Odyssey, Louden found his moneyed uncle three years later in a posh loft in Manhattan's Upper East Side. Since the wealthy chap never married or sired children, he welcomed the weary lad with open arms and an open wallet, immediately spoiling the impressionable teenager by buying him a luxury car, a motorized scooter, and a SUV all in one week.

After receiving a proper education at sundry Northeastern prep schools, Louden enrolled in New Yawk University where he spent four years "earning" a degree in the social sciences. After graduation, Louden relied on his trust fund to live like a Western playboy, flitting around the country to sample the ladies in every state, yet telling his concerned uncle that he was searching for the perfect piece of American-made baklava. Eventually, Louden wound up in Seattle at the tail end of the Grunge era and fronted a pop-punk band called Tiny Tim and the Crutch Huggers (TTACH). After four years of drinking, breaking things, and chasing 16-year-old girls in the name of rock-and-roll, the party came to an end during an all-ages show at the local VFW, when TTACH 's guitarist, Snott Knowskid, tried to trump Ozzy's infamous ant-sniffing antic by snorting a colony of live boll weevils onstage. The stunt was a tragic mess, causing the pit to erupt onto the streets and leaving the axe-slinger with permanent brain damage, as well as the Elephant Man's malformed mug. Faced with medical bills, hundreds of lawsuits, and one butt-ugly lead guitarist, TTACH buckled under pressure and disbanded.

Crestfallen and cynical, Louden returned to his uncle's home in New York. Not knowing what to do, he fell into a deep depression and spent most of his time surfing the Wrestling Web while working part-time at a perfumery. With little else to occupy him, Louden eavesdropped on the phone conversations of his uncle, the recently elected Kaiju Commissioner. Through those overheard discussions, Louden learned a great deal about the internal machinations and underhanded dealings of Kaiju Big Battel, getting a crash course in monster politics that soon would serve him well.

Louden's listlessness seemed incurable, so his therapist and his uncle urged the brooding babe-lover to try his hand as a Kaiju Big Battel ringside commentator. To everyone's surprise, Louden was a natural. He quickly earned a reputation as the most charismatic play-by-play commentator in Kaiju history. These days, Noxious is credited with creating some of Kaiju's most famous taglines including "Danger Can Happen," "Plantains Ain't Yellow," and the catch phrase of the misanthropic Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, "Mmm, Mmm, Bad."

Louden does enjoy the fame associated with being the lead Kaiju Big Battel commentator. Although the circumstances surrounding his hiring smack of nepotism, Kaiju Big Battel fans have grown to love the young Louden Noxious: his ringside banter blends an insider's perspective with a fan's enthusiasm. While shopping with his darling girlfriend, Shani (definitely Louden's better half), Louden is often stopped in his Williamsburg neighborhood and asked to share his Kaiju experiences. Louden always complies, giving his autograph and yelling with delight, "And you're my favorite fan too..!"

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