Neo Teppen Beats Call-Me-Kevin Once Again

Teppen Packs the Polymorphic Heat

Teppen Defeats Call-Me-Kevin Again

Call-Me-Kevin is best known for one thing - his remarkable winless streak in Kaiju Big Battel. Never has the future-featured item at Red Lobster managed to earn a Big Battel victory. It's a record of incompetence rivaled by no other (although given time Super Wrong may be able to match it), and Call-Me-Kevin has had to withstand all manner of verbal taunts and mental abuse as a result. Of course being an ill-tempered sea monster, this often leads to violence, as was the case this week in Paris, France.

On Sunday, Call-Me-Kevin was traveling up the River Seine in search of his favorite delicacy, frog legs, when he detected the scent of this delicious dish just below Le pont Neuf. Bursting out of the water, Kevin was shocked to find his nemesis Neo Teppen chomping on a crepe, while on break from his latest assignment providing security for the E.U. Constitutional referendum. Kevin's shock soon turned to rage as he heard the track-suited super-Hero calling him "le plus grand perdant."

The ensuing Battel lasted all of two minutes as Teppen utilized 3 1/2 of his secret powers to kick Call-Me-Kevin up and down the Champs Elysees, before delivering a nasty powerbomb onto the pointy part of the Louvre. Call-Me-Kevin's sole offensive success came when he managed to wedge Neo Teppen's enormous helmet in between one of the arches at a local McDonald's, but the locals were all too happy to help the Hero free by tearing the arches down. In the end Referee Jingi's French cousin Pierre d'Arbitre made the trios count and Call-Me-Kevin further extended his record of ineptitude.

Ask the Commissioner

DEAR COMMISSIONER, I KNOW THAT SKY DEVILER WAS ONE OF THE WORST ENEMIES OF THE HEROES, BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING HIS DEATH AT THE END OF SHOCKING TRUTH! SKY DEVILER WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST HEROES EVER IN KAIJU BIG BATTEL AND YOU SHOULD SHOW HIM SOME RESPECT! - LOHR M.

Dear Lohr,

I know how tough it can be to deal with the death of a loved down, but really, there's no need to shout. I certainly do respect Sky Deviler, in the same way that a warrior respects his mortal enemy - while he may not like him, he honors his passing.

With this in mind, I am declaring next week to be the official Sky Deviler Memorial Week at kaiju.com. We will be presenting an all-Sky Deviler home page featuring highlights of the Space Bug's Big Battel career, tributes by fellow Big Battelers, some of his favorite lunches, and more.

If you would like to share your Sky Deviler memories or just reflect on his passing, please email your thoughts to submit@kaiju.com. The most poignant submissions will be published as part of next week's tribute.

Your Friend,
Kaiju Commissioner

Do you have a question for the Commissioner? Email him at commissioner@kaiju.com.

Question of the Week

How's construction work going on the new Kaiju HQ?

Deep Throat Revealed; Commissioner Still a Mystery

In a stunning revelation in this month's Vanity Fair, legendary Watergate informant Deep Throat has been revealed to be former FBI man W. Mark Felt. The identity of Deep Throat was formerly the world's most intriguing mystery identity. Now that he has been exposed there is a new #1 on the America's Most Mysterious list:

1. Kaiju Commissioner - Rumored identities: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jimmy Carter, Dr. Cube

2. Charlie of Charlie's Angels - Rumored identities: The President, Charlie Chaplin II, Hugh Hefner

3. Shallow Throat - Rumored identities: Woodward, Bernstein, Pat O'Brien

4. The Emperor - Rumored identities: Senator Palpatine, George Lucas, James Earl Jones

5. The Guy in the Frosted Flakes Ad - Rumored identities: Your Mom, Your Dad, You!

Think you know the true identity of the Kaiju Commissioner? Email contest@kaiju.com and tell us who you think the shadowy keeper of Kaiju peace really is and why you think so. The winning entry will receive some old-school, out-of-print Kaiju collectibles!

This Week In Kaiju History

2004 - Vegan Vampire dead at the age of 12 days. RIP Vegan Vampire.