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The devil went down to Jersey

By the way he sneers at SUVs, deploys his Minions to detonate stink bombs at community bake-sales, and hisses at the hair-sprayed cashiers working behind the registers of retail-chain stores, you'd never know that Dr. Cube cares about suburbia. But Cube doesn't care about the "Third World of America," as he likes to call it, because he harbors any affection. Cube cares about suburbia because he realizes it's a valuable ally: Cube wants to conquer the world, and having the condo-renting, fast-food-feeding, television-tranquilized masses submissively support his conquest will make his transnational takeover easier.

So when Midori No Kaiju, Cube's most tenured monster, passed away at the Atumnal Shogun Showdown in 2001, Cube saw Midori's departure as an opportunity to gain favor of America's lower-middle class. So late one night in his top-secret lab, Cube emptied two vats of sterilized human-blood plasma into a dumpster of hazardous waste, and spiced up the recipe with a lockerful of sweat-stained gym sneakers. Then the next morning, Cube and ten Minions drove this burbling batter down to a 4,000-acre dump just outside of Trenton, New Jersey - the largest landfill in the world- with a plan of action.

As Chemical Hill, as local denizens called the legendary rubbish-pile, had been the source of constant complaint for many years. Not only was it infamous for being a mobster graveyard, attracting all sorts of shifty-eyed tommy-gun-toters to the area, but many Jersey residents blamed the toxic trash-heap for NJ's record number of three-headed baby-births. Nevertheless, only when thousands of frantic phone calls poured in to authorities, all reporting dull green lights and loud strange noises coming from the smoking debris, did officials of the New Jersey Division of Solid and Hazardous Waste finally inspect NJD980529461, Chemical Hill's government ID number. Much to everyone's surprise, the assessors found nothing suspicious there.

A few days after NJDSHW's visit, witnesses say that Chemical Hill came alive, walked east, and disappeared into the Atlantic Ocean. New Jersey's Division of Solid and Hazardous Waste was baffled, but insisted that the landfill had been in complete compliance with local, state and federal laws. A few weeks later, the mystery was solved when Dr. Cube's newest acolyte, a trash monster named Gomi-man, debuted at Matsuri Mass Mayhem.

So, you ask, how will Gomi-man rally support from suburbanites? Well, Cube's wickedness should never be underestimated. Gomi-man was designed to be a symbol of the suburban wastelands, so Cube thinks strip-mallers will consider the garbage ghoul their mascot. Besides, Oscar the Grouch has his own product line - so why can't Gomi-man?

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