Evil Creations
Being evil is exhausting. So exhausting that even the most despicable bad guys need help pushing their nefarious agendas: the evil empire procured bounty hunters to capture heroic rebels; made men enlisted wise guys to whack rival family members; and bad dictators conscriptd armies to carry out their heinous atrocities. And not only do college professors all have the dreaded TA, even white-boy rappers have posses of mean-looking thugs to help spit vitriol. So why would Dr. Cube, the most contemptible mad genius in the history of the world, be any different?
Well, he isn't. But instead of hiring a bunch of brawlers off the street, or waiting for a gaggle of goons to prove their allegiance, Dr. Cube decided to start his Minion militia from scratch.
It all began a few years ago, back when the gullible media still considered human cloning a fantastical device of science fiction. The sinister Dr. Cube knew something the press didn't: cloning was entirely possible. And Cube himself possessed the resources and brains to create genetically identical cells. So Cube holed himself up in a lab and spent months splicing DNA, tinkering with mutated chromosomes, and experimenting with asexual reproduction.
One morning in his secret underground lab, Cube was shaving his wrinkly face with a scalpel and accidentally cut himself. Blood dripped off the blade and fell into a nearby petri dish. As the blood sample started to glow, an idea popped into Cube's head: he would create humanoid versions of himself, except much, much stupider! He would get their recessive genes from highly select, classified places! He would bioengineer their DNA so they wouldn't understand morality! So they wouldn't be able to distinguish between good and evil! They would forever remain loyal! Always servile! Unable to abandon their maker! He would call them Minions! Cube would rule the world!
While Cube's makeshift militia might not be as sleek as the SS, as spiffily dressed as the Mafia, or as vocal as the fanatical street-militiamen from Michigan, Cube's Posse is definitely the most loyal. Like Cube imagined, his catatonic golems are forever willing to perform dirty work, work so dirty that even a trash monster like Gomi-man wouldn't be caught dead doing it.
Kaiju evil experts at first believed that Cube only stored Minions at his compound, since they're seldom spotted without their nasty leader. But during a global probe, the KRC has uncovered sleeper cells of Minions all over the world: rural barns, abandoned water towers, rusty silos, flight schools in Florida, taxi companies in Boston, the backwoods of Maine, plus in Detroit, New Jersey, Texas, Great Britain, Germany, Spain, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Algeria, South Africa, Iraq, and even the Pentagon (or so some conspiracy theorists claim). These Minions have infiltrated societies very easily: without Minion masks and scrubs, they look like regular humans; plus their complete lack of intelligence appears very, very normal.
Concurrently, officials have also discovered that Cube has already exploited the loopholes in Mr. President's semi-endorsement of Stem Cell Research to produce Super Minions, beasts that supposedly have the strength of ten regular Minions and the mental capacity of one moronic human. Since both Minions and Super Minions blend into their surroundings surreptitiously, it's difficult to say exactly how many Minions are lurking around the globe. U.S. census officials estimate their numbers to be in the millions, but the KRC believes that figure might be low. To be safe, KRC safety officers urge vigilance when entering gyms, attending crowded football games, or picking up strangers at bars: you never know when that fit, attractive, mumbling person works for Cube.
