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Commissioner Down

The Search Begins

Investigation Opens Into Commissioner's Murder

In perhaps the biggest murder mystery since J.R. Ewing was brutally shot to death in 1980, the investigation into the murder of the Kaiju Commissioner has begun. The cause of death remains uncertain, and autopsy results aren't expected to be back for months, due to the national recession closing crime labs across the country. All autopsies, toxicology reports and paternity tests have been rerouted to a single laboratory in Kamloops, British Columbia, which is expected to delay the investigation significantly.

Local police, the FBI, the CIA and Robocop have all launched their own investigations, but as expected, progress has been derailed by the individual factions with each other over whom the crime scene belongs to. Also not particularly helpful has been the Miami-Dade Police Department Lieutenant who does nothing but remove his sunglasses and make tactless puns before having his friend play "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who on his boombox.

The CIA is believed to have had enough information about the Commissioner's death to prevent it from happening in the first place, but decided against sharing it with anyone at the time, and now continues to withhold the potentially critical data for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, the FBI has temporarily suspended their investigation in favor of programming the world's newest arcade cabinets to remind players that winners don't use drugs. With things working out the way they have so far, it may be a while before we start seeing any true leads, but stay tuned to Kaiju.com for all the news as it breaks.

Intern's Future Uncertain

The Hero Intern '08 seemed to be well on his way to a glorious new career as a full-fledged Kaiju Hero after defeating Vegetius in his Final Exam Fighto. But the celebration seemed to end merely minutes after his big win, as it was right after the Intern's match when the nefarious Dr. Cube announced that the Commissioner had been murdered.

While the unfortunate news was hard for all Kaiju Heroes and fans alike, it was especially devastating to the Hero Intern, who not only had been hand-picked by the Commissioner a year earlier to be the next Intern, but also needed the Commissioner's signature on his Hero certificate to make his graduation official!

With the Commissioner now deceased and the Kaiju Regulatory Commission powerless to do anything at the moment, the Intern finds himself in a unique sort of Hero Purgatory. After earning his graduation, continuing to call himself an Intern any longer would discredit all that he's accomplished so far. But without an official blessing from the Commish, the Intern can't choose a Hero persona or costume or anything. Who knows when the Intern will get some answers?

Retraction of the Week

J.R. Ewing did not, in fact, die from being shot. The Commissioner is still dead, however.

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New Commissioner Candidates Line Up

Following the shocking news of the Commissioner's death two weeks ago, prospective replacements for the Commissioner's office have begun springing up seemingly everywhere. Candidates from every corner of the globe, some more qualified than others, have all thrown their hats in the ring for one of the most powerful positions in the world.

Of course, the big issue is, no one is quite sure how exactly the Kaiju Commissioner was appointed in the first place. We simply know that he was more qualified than most, and that someone gave him the job, but we don't quite know who. Was it the United Nations? The federal government of the United States, or perhaps some other country entirely? A secret organization such as SEELE or the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo? No one is quite sure... or at least, no one who would be willing to tell us, anyway.

Among the candidates who have at least publicly expressed interest in the position are former New York Knicks president Isiah Thomas, former FEMA chief Michael Brown, former Detroit Lions president Matt Millen, current NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, former Iron Maiden lead singer Blaze Bayley, and former Stooge Joe Besser, who has been dead for 21 years.

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