tools tool join tool book tool board tool email
Podunk Battel Madness Commentary

In what was a poorly-advertised Battel that few knew about (it was all the promoter's fault, honestly), Podunk Battel Madness took place in the small town of Podunk, Idaho on July 25th in front of a raucous sell-out crowd of 17 monster-maniacs! And while Podunk laws prohibited the presence of "them newfangled Yankee cameras", our Podunk correspondent had all the juicy details!

In the opening contest, Hero Intern '08 tagged up with Force Trooper Robo and RoBox to take on Dr. Cube's fearsome team of Gomi-man, Napalean and Dino Kang Jr. in exciting Trios action. While Dino Kang Jr. was eliminated from the proceedings early after getting lost in the locker room area, Cube's monsters had plenty of help from Shrooma Tango, Marutambo and the unstoppable Craw. The Kaiju Heroes overcame the odds, however, and defeated the monsters with teamwork, dedication, and an oversized chainsaw laced with a mint-flavored neurotoxin.

In the second match, The Revenge Fighto for the Ages, the mighty French Toast defeated a team of Space Bug Swarm in a 12-on-1 handicap Battel. The Champion of Breakfasts made short work of the bugs who had tried to eat him two months earlier in Boston, crippling the creatures with a dazzling display of European uppercuts and lightning-quick Savate kicks. The Space Bugs were supposed to be lead by Yarsminko, but the party creature no-showed the event when he decided to attend a Dave Matthews Band concert in Boise instead.

In between Fightos 2 and 3, the remaining Sea Amigos began auditions to find a new member for their fearsome former-threesome. Utilizing a strict "if you can't beat 'em, you can't join 'em" admission standard, Unibouzu and D.W. Cycloptopuss III made quick work of their prospective partners, including a shark/demon hybrid creation creatively named "Jaws", and a gelatinous organic robot named "Jellytronix Deluxe".

Dr. Cube never takes a vacation from evil, and the Podunk Battel was no exception. Following Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder's victory over Dai Hachi Hachi in Fighto #3, Cube doused the hard rocker with water and tossed him into a meat locker, causing his pipes to freeze and crack. Boulder was airlifted to Podunk General Hospital/Post Office, but was unable to be treated when the facility's burn unit was woefully unequipped to handle frozen pipes. Boulder remains in stable, thawed condition, but is not expected to be fully recovered by the next Battel in Brooklyn.

In Fighto #4, Kaiju Hero Sun Buster took on Uchu Chu for a shot at the Le European Title. Buster had the Space Bug down for the count, and had ascended to the top rope to finish him with a flying elbow, when human pro wrestler Chris Hero came out in a flash and tossed Buster off the turnbuckle to the unforgiving steel floor below, knocking out Buster for a heartbreaking count-out loss. In addition to sustaining multiple concussions to the face, Buster also suffered a broken hand and will be out of action for the near future.

In the main event, the Heroic teamup of American Beetle and Kaiju Champion Neo Teppen took on two of Dr. Cube's more vicious monsters, The Grudyin and Tucor, in a defense of their Double Danger Tag Tandem Titles. While the horrific hybrids were formidable foes, they were no match for the Kaiju Heroes, who were well on their way to another easy win. But things got dicey when Pedro Plantain and Zombie Pablo decided to get involved in the action.

Los Plantanos devastated Cube's monsters, unloading on them with some of the deadliest weapons ever used in a Kaiju Ring, leaving Kaiju Sophomore Official Nikkuman no choice but to call for a disqualification. Normally, a title doesn't change hands on a DQ, but Podunk Town Selectman Cletus stepped in and cited an archaic Idaho state law which decreed that disqualifications in wrestling, boxing and monster combat matches, must result in a title change! For now, at least, Tucor and The Grudyin are the Double Danger Tag Tandem Title Champions, but with half the Kaiju roster gunning for them, who knows how long that will last!