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Brooklyn Big Battel Commentary

It was a nice, clear sunny day in Brooklyn on August 23rd, and it would've been a shame to spend such a nice afternoon indoors. Fortunately, the Kaiju Commissioner thought ahead and scheduled a Battel outdoors instead! At The Yard in Brooklyn, city-crushing monsters did Battel under the sun in one of the most exciting fightos in years.  It was an event that truly lived up to its billing: The Summer of Champions!

The night got off to a spirited start, as Kaiju Big Battel's own MC Louden Noxious made his Olympic debut, carrying the torch with Usian Bolt-like speed to the finish line to kick off the festivities. Saturday night was meant for Fighto, and that's exactly what took place in Fighto number one.  Former Kaiju Heroes Pedro and Zombie Pablo Plantain had been headed towards a path of destruction, and it was up to Kaiju Hero and enforcer Powa Ranjuru to set them straight!

Powa got the early advantage in the match, but Pedro would not go down without a fight.  With the help of his brother, who supplied Pedro with a steady supply of deadly weapons, the momentum shifted in favor of the Plantain.  Even so, Powa Ranjuru isn't a Kaiju Flake; she's a Kaiju Hero- and Kaiju Heroes never give up!

Powa's comeback was short-lived, however, as the Zombie decided to get further involved in the action. Even when Pedro thought Pablo had done enough, the Zombie turned on him, and gave him a chokeslam! Berserk, thirsty for brains and having already crippled Kaiju Sophomore Official Nikkuman, the Zombie ran wild in unstoppable undead rage!

Just when things seemed their most bleak, Kaiju Senior Official Jingi made his unexpected but long-awaited return to the Kaiju Danger Cage! For someone whose injuries were thought to be life threatening and was listed in grave condition as of just last week, Jingi looked like a million bucks- as we all remember him. After Pedro subdued the Zombie with a trash can shot to his braindead head, the twins left the Danger Zone leaving Jingi no choice but to count them out and award the match to Powa Ranjuru.

The second match saw the Kaiju Heroes' Funkiest Faction attempt to rectify a despicable miscarriage of justice. The Double Danger Tag Tandem Titles were around the undeserving waists of The Grudyin and Tucor, and the Yokosuka Jump Squadron would do all in their power to take the belts back! The Furious Furries, no matter how illegitimate their title victory was, were still legitimate threats to Kaiju Heroes, and they could not be taken lightly.

Dusto Bunny appeared to have the match in control, but some costly mistakes by Super Wrong, along with the unwelcome and counterproductive interference from Jump Squad-wannabe Dai Hachi Hachi, opened up the floodgates for a Furious Furries victory. The real tragedy, however, was in the post-match antics of Cube's monsters; Jeremiah the Teddy Bear was beaten mercilessly by the monsters, and maimed beyond recognition!

In an attempt to lift the dampened spirits of the packed Yard crowd, Louden Noxious sang a powerful ballad detailing the history behind the next segment, a song which rose the audience into the clouds and made them cheer with glee. And on those melodious notes, the Sea Amigo Auditions to find a new member were underway! 

The first contestant was none other than Kaiju superfan Jimmy Sprinkles, whom we last saw getting destroyed by D.W. Cycloptopuss III months ago in New York. The second verse was the same as the first, as Sprinkles' attempted performance of "Stay" by Lisa Loeb was interrupted by Unibouzu, and the Sea Urchin stomped the life out of Sprinkles.

Next on the list, however, was a charming, sophisticated masked gentleman named Call-Me-Thurston. CMT showcased his many talents, but the Amigos were not impressed. The duo double-teamed Thurston, and while he put up a fight, he was no match for the combined efforts of D.W. Cycloptopuss and Unibouzu.  During final stages of his audition, Thurston's mask came off exposing his identity to the judges and crowd alike.  Audition number two was none other than the audacious Call-Me-Kevin!


Fighto 4 was the first of the night's two main events. But anyone buying a ticket to see Hell Monkey was sorely disappointed, as once again, the Satanic Simian was nowhere to be seen. Fortunately, every fan in attendance paid to see Kaiju Hero and Champion Neo Teppen in action, and they sure got their money's worth! With Hell Monkey's unexcused absence, a lottery was held to find a new challenger to take on Teppen one-on-one, but fate had other ideas. Winning the lottery was none other than Kaiju's resident bounty hunting trio, the Iron Brothers! And while a game of jan-ken-pon was used to decide which Iron Bro would do Battel with the champ (Mace won the honors), the bulk of the match saw Brother Fist and Brother Claw eschew the rules and invite themselves into the Danger Cage, making this a de-facto three on one handicapped Fighto!

Little did the Iron Bros know, however, that Neo Teppen's skill and power is inversely proportional to the amount of opponents he's facing! Using all 27 of his secret powers, plus a few extra bonus ones he learned on the way to the Yard on his Space Cycle, Teppen vanquished his foes and held on to his Kaiju Championship Belt!

Finally, the time had come for the second main event of the evening. And while the sun was beginning to set on the Yard, the action was just beginning to heat up! Final Fighto Five looked to be the culmination of gallons of bad blood built up over the last few months; Dr. Cube had been a thorn in Hero Intern 08's side since the Heavy Metal Hero's debut, and Chris Hero and American Beetle had unfinished business from their last showdown in Philadelphia. With the Kaiju Hero Dream Team taking on Cube and Hero's Nightmare Team, who would be left standing?!

The Kaiju Heroes are the toughest, most resilient warriors in the universe, but even two of the strongest-willed Heroes were no match for the unholy alliance of the world's best independent wrestler, and most evil mad scientist. Almost seemingly from the get-go, the bad guys controlled the match, eliminating American Beetle from the proceedings by tossing the Patriotic Pugilist out of the Danger Cage and into the Pit of Danger hundreds of feet below. From there, the two went to work on Hero Intern '08, whom despite having a stellar start to his Kaiju career, couldn't take on two men at the same time. Which isn't to say he didn't try. The Heavy Metal Hero took advantage of every opportunity, and gave the bad guys a legitimate scare on numerous occasions. And American Beetle showed his colors don't run, either, as he kept coming back for more and more.

Cube and Hero gave them everything, and Beetle and Intern wouldn't go down without a fight. If the Kaiju Heroes were an American gymnastics team, on this night, Dr. Cube and Chris Hero were a team of 14 year old Chinese girls; ruthless, dominant and seemingly unbeatable. After a potentially paralyzing piledriver by Hero to Beetle, Dr. Cube made the cover, and a new dominant force in Kaiju Big Battel was crowned! 

On this night, Zombie Pablo went berserk, Sophomore Official Nikkuman was badly injured, Jeremiah the Teddy Bear was brutally assaulted, the Sea Amigos recaptured their old dominance, and the team of Chris Hero and Dr. Cube established themselves as the most dangerous duo in the universe. To some, the situation appears hopeless. But Powa Ranjuru walked out of Brooklyn with a victory, Neo Teppen is still the Kaiju Champion, our Heroes gave their all, and perhaps most importantly, Jingi is back! From this vantage point, things are looking pretty optimistic. But no matter what your outlook is, one thing is for certain; on this night in Brooklyn... Danger Happened!