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Title - Kaiju Big News

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 6/30/04

Summer Goodwill Tour.

With the dog days of summer setting in, the Kaiju Commissioner found himself knee-deep in a puddle of public relations disaster. With the Kaiju Championship Belt firmly around Dr. Cube's evil waist, his popularity has skyrocketed. Meanwhile, despite the recent revelation of Cube's plot to smear American Beetle's name, the patriotic pugilist's approval rating has sagged more than a pair of low-rider pants. So with Beetle's poor approval numbers, Cube's recent surge, and now trouble arising for Pablo Plantain (see below), the Commissioner knew something must be done to raise the morale of the Kaiju fans and the Kaiju Heroes themselves. So, in the spirit of barnstorming politicians, and product-pimping Hollywoods stars, the Commissioner this week announced the Kaiju Big Battel Summer 2004 Goodwill Tour.

"My goal with this Goodwill Tour is simple - I want to remind everyone, but most of all the kids, that the Kaiju Heroes are here to protect and serve. Also Dr. Cube is a jerky jerkface, and a very bad man."

The Kaiju Big Battel Summer 2004 Goodwill Tour kicks off the weekend of July 16th with an international doubleheader at Connecticut's ConnectiCon, and Ontario's Northern Anime Fest. The current schedule:

July 16-18
West Hartford, CT
Kaiju DVD Screening

July 17
Northern Anime Fest
Oshawa, Ontario
Kaiju DVD Screening

July 22-25
San Diego Comic Con
San Diego, CA
Kaiju DVD Screening & Panel
Kaiju Big Battel booth in the Cultyard
Kaiju Appearances by Dr. Cube, and more

July 30
Baltimore, MD
Kaiju DVD Screening & Panel

August 6-8
Houston, TX
Kaiju DVD Screening w/ Special Kaiju Giveaway

August 14-15
Yasumi Con
Miami, FL
Kaiju DVD Screening

More dates and additional information will be posted all summer, including a special surprise that the Commissioner promises will "knock the socks off of West Coast Kaiju fans."

Like a Plantain in the Sun.

For years Pablo Plantain has dodged rumors that he has a serious tanning disorder. But despite his dismissal of such suggestions, celebrity watchers, media hounds, and Minions of Dr. Cube have claimed the Pablo, one half of Hero twins, Los Plantanos, has a dangerous addiction to laying out in the blazing South American sun. All along, Pedro has stood by his brother, issuing steadfast denials of the purported solar-overindulgence. But today the rumors appear to be true, as Pablo Plantain has been admitted to Cloudy Valley Rehabilitation Center to deal with an unspecified sunning disorder. The exact disorder has not been named, but speculation has centered around Acute Need Of Ray EXposure Increase Ailment. This serious disease afflicts thousands of young fruit every year, often leading to permanent shriveling, desiccation, and even death. Kaiju.com sends Los Plantanos our best wishes during this trying time, and we hope Pablo is able to conquer his personal demons.

Ask Cube.

Dear Dr. Cube, I am a follower, and I love your merch, but I think that if you came out with a shirt that just had your logo on it and maybe saying "Cube Saves" or something like that would be awesome. I'd buy it.


Dear Jango,

Let me introduce a concept that may be too much for your pitiful mind to comprehend - redundancy. Everyone knows that joining my Posse is the only way to save yourself from a pitiful existence as an inconsequential nothing. When they see my logo it is a beacon of opportunity in an otherwise hopeless world.

Adding the words "Cube Saves" would be redundant. Much like putting the words "Hopeless Crippled Loser" on a Silver Potato shirt, "Degenerate Prisoner-Abusing Goon" on an American Beetle shirt, or "Chump" on a Kaiju Commissioner shirt, not that anyone would ever be a big enough dope to buy one of those.

In conclusion, buy my merch and like it.

Get a hobby,
Dr. Cube

Do you have a question for Dr. Cube? Choose your words wisely and email drcube@kaiju.com.

Question of the Week:

Is California ready for the Big Battel?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 6/23/04

Kaiju Fan Week!

In the weeks since Dr. Cube captured the Kaiju Championship Belt at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS!, the Kaiju Commissioner has become increasingly concerned about the morale of the Kaiju fans. So, to keep the Kaiju fandom in good spirits during these trying times, the Commissioner has declared that this week's Kaiju Big News is all about the fans!

Fan King.

What better way to kick off an all-fan Kaiju news blast, than with June's Otaku Fan King? This month's Fan King award goes to azarath for her newly imagined Dr. Cube henchwoman (or is it henchfox?). Congratulations to azarath – email your mailing address to rob@kaiju.com to receive your Kaiju prize pack.

For a chance to be next month's Fan King, email your Fan Art, Fan Photo, DIY Toy, or other Kaiju-inspired creation to rob@kaiju.com.

Fan Mail for Dr. Cube.

Hey Dr. Cube, How dare you frame American Beetle like that. You have sunk lower than any man EVER. And you ARE a human, too. Just take it like a REAL man would.


Dear Foolish Human,

I sincerely hope you have enjoyed your short years on this planet, for your indolence has now guaranteed your destruction. Although I owe you no explanation for your upcoming demise, you have found me in an especially good, post-victory mood, and I will share with you no less than three reasons, why I have added your downfall to my to-do list.

1. You have questioned Dr. Cube's actions. I "dare" to defile the patriotic putz's good name, because I answer to no one! Especially not someone named after some 3rd rate britpop goons!

2. You are a moron. Of course I am a human! I just happen to be the peak of human evolution, so the rest of you cattle pale in comparison. It is as if I am a cannon in a world of pea-shooters; a power-drill on a planet of rusty screwdrivers; a backhoe in a universe of little plastic shovels that are too flimsy to move anything more massive than a few grains of sand! In fact, I am more than a human - I am superhuman! But either way, you are still a moron.

3. Your use of capitalization. I find it rude and a sign of absolute disrespect. The only thing worse would have been the use of those foolish "emoticons" I abhor.

So Travis, I hope you now understand where you have erred. Perhaps, when my Minions come for you, you will smarten up and beg for forgiveness, and a place within my Posse.

Smarten up dummy,
Dr. Cube

Do you have a question for Dr. Cube? Ask at your own peril, by emailing drcube@kaiju.com.

Fan-tasy Big Battel.

Following in the footsteps of online sports simulations such as Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Football, and the ever-popular Fantasy Curling, a group of hardcore Kaiju fans have now launched Kaiju Fantasy Big Battel. This mix of role-playing, writing, and dedicated Kaiju craziness has attracted a league of 17 diehards, plus numerous fans, who do Battel with an eclectic mix of real-world Kaiju such as Dr. Cube and Call-Me-Kevin and their own creations like Powerpants, and Nintendont. Visit the Kaiju Fantasy Big Battel forums now to read all the latest e-action, and to see if Powerpants and Nintendont join forces to create a "Nintendo Power" tag team.

Fan-tastic Deals!

Kaiju fans looking to snatch up some Kaiju gear for the summer are in luck, because right now there are three fan-tastic specials in the Kaiju Mall. First, there's the Kaiju Super Fan Pack. It features one Terebi Sento DVD, a T-Shirt of your choice, one bag of Limited Edition Rubbel, an assortment of Kaiju pins, magnets, stickers, temporary tattoos, and more for only $29.98.

If it's Kaiju girlie shirts you're interested in, then be sure to check out this great deal - buy 2 girlie t-shirts for only $33! Right now there are several designs about to go out of print (Cube and Kanji 3/4 sleeve, Kaiju Fighto! 3/4 sleeve, Limited Edition Cube's Posse) so now's the perfect time to snatch these up before they're gone for good.

And finally, if you haven't picked up the greatest literary masterpiece of the 21st century, then you can take advantage of the special Book and T-Shirt Combo Pack, which comes complete with the debut Kaiju book, Kaiju Big Battel: A Practical Guide to City-Crushing Monsters, a T-shirt of your choice, and a limited edition pin pack, all for only $25.99. That's less than what a certain ex-President is charging for his new book, and he's not throwing in any extras - no T-shirts, no pins, not even a commemorative cigar!

Question of the Week:

Who's up for a game of fantan?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 6/10/04

Vegetius Abuse Photos Faked.

Last week, shocking photos came to light that appeared to show American Beetle torturing and generally abusing Vegetius while the Kaiju Rogue was in custody last April. In the days that followed, Beetle's name was drug through the mud, with various Kaiju observers calling for his resignation and the American Congress seriously considering the possibility of maybe informally reprimanding the official Kaiju Hero of the USA. But all along, Beetle swore his innocence and claimed the photos were faked in an effort to discredit him.

Today, thanks to a raid on one of Dr. Cube's compunds, Beetle appears to have been vindicated. According to a spokesman for the Kaiju Commissioner, Neo Teppen, while breaking up a cell of Dr. Cube's Minions involved in a lucrative spam-sending scheme, recovered both the original photographs from Vegetius' imprisonment at Kaiju Headquarters, and a PC containing the doctored images. In order to dispel any lingering doubts about Beetle's innocence, the Commissioner has released this comparison of the originals and the doctored abuse photos, so the public can judge for themselves.

Ask Dr. Cube.

Doctor, when are your SARS masks going to restock I'm really desperate for one. can you write back when they restock. Pleeeease?

Your friend,
Michael "Luigi" B.

Dear Michael,

First off, let's get something straight. You are not to ever call yourself my friend. As a genius monster-creator, and the greatest mind in the universe, I am without peer. To call yourself a friend of Dr. Cube is hubris and it will not be tolerated amongst my followers.

However, I do admire your impeccable taste in health-related fashion, so I will spare you this time. In fact, I will even reward you, be restocking my SARS masks, post-haste. Now buy a dozen, or fear my wrath!

Do not cross me,
Dr. Cube

Do you have a question for Dr. Cube? Send it to drcube@kaiju.com and await your response/verbal tongue-lashing.

Louden Noxious Not Amused.

Lawyers for Kaiju commentator Louden Noxious are exploring their legal options after rock-darlings !!! released their new album Louden Up Now. Although the band has no connection to the loud-mouthed MC, they apparently are attempting to expand beyond the art-school/stoner/indie-dance crowd by latching onto the internationally-famous Louden Noxious moniker. When Louden was informed of this clear exploitation of his good name, he launched into a tirade in which the words "overrated," "jam-band-wannabe," and "funk-faces" featured prominently.

Question of the Week:

How are Minions so good at doctoring photos?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 6/2/04

Prisoner Scandal!

Last week the Kaiju Commissioner launched an official investigation into the circumstances surrounding the capture and imprisonment of Vegetius last April. He thought the investigative committee would simply confirm what he already believed - that Vegetius was treated with the utmost respect and dignity while held by the Kaiju Heroes. But today, a member of the committee leaked photographic evidence of barbaric treatment of Vegetius. In a series of what appear to be amateur snapshots, Vegetius is humiliated, and possibly even tortured. The editors of kaiju.com have decided to post these disturbing images, but be warned, they are not for the faint of heart.

Adding to the shocking nature of these photos is the apparent perpetrator of these deeds - Kaiju Hero American Beetle. A self-declared bastion of justice and virtue, it is almost unfathomable that he would stoop to such crass and abusive treatment of a prisoner in his care. Beetle himself has been unavailable for comment, but this scandal is sure to tarnish his image, as well as the reputation of the Kaiju Heroes.

Commissioner Responds.

The Kaiju Commissioner, speaking via satellite to a small gathering of Swedish Rotarians, reacted contritely to the Vegetius abuse scandal.

"I am shocked and appalled by this callous treatment of Vegetius. I can assure you that it does not represent how the Kaiju Heroes treat their prisoners. I take full responsibility for these saddening abuses."

When pressed for details about exactly what "full responsibility" entailed, the Commissioner declined comment.

Super Time!

Overshadowed this week by the Vegetius abuse scandal were the results of Dr. Jane Geertz's exploratory research into the phenomenon of new Kaiju Hero Super Wrong. Dr. Geertz, the world's preeminent Kaijuologist, delved into the pop culture craze that has gripped the world since Super Wrong's debut last month, and found that the Super Wrong Train is steaming towards Ubiquity Station and nearly everyone's hopped on board! Find out for yourself why Super Wrong is so right, in the latest Kaijuology Report.

Los Plantanos For Sale.

Los Plantanos are a big deal in the Big Battel, but they've never been accused of forgetting their roots. So it shouldn't be surprising that the Plantain Twins have just renewed their pledge to send 100 perecent of the proceeds from their T-shirts and Tanktops back to their native land. Most of the money will go to charitable organizations that bring fertilizer to malnourished fruit, provide shelter for shade plants, and work to alleviate drought conditions. The rest of the funds go directly to revolutionary organizations opposed to the brutal Sock Puppet Dictator.

You can help Los Plantanos fund these worthy causes by purchasing a "Los Plantanos Ain't Yellow" T-Shirt or Tanktop in the Kaiju Mall today. You'll get a nice shirt, and you'll be helping make the world a better place!

Sea Amigos.

The last thing the fans at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! expected to see was the return of D.W. Cycloptopuss III. But when the claw-fisted cyclops came charging into the Danger Cage to lend Call-Me-Kevin a tentacle, the crowd was more than happy to sea his return. And although his interference didn't quite work out - Neo Teppen kept Kevin winless - it appears as though all three Kaiju sea creatures are now thick as thieves.

Just last week, the Sea Amigos were cavorting in the waters south of Singapore when they spotted a cargo ship loaded with automobiles. Reportedly, Unibouzu hit upon the idea of stealing a few dozen of the cars and then giving them away to Kaiju fans, in a crass attempt to boost their popularity. But when they found the ship to be filled with Kias they realized their plan would never succeed so they sent the cargo ship careening into a nearby tanker, sinking the ship and it's 4,000-car cargo.

Question of the Week:

Which cons are showing the new Kaiju video this summer?