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Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 12/30/04

Retro Trailer.

Retro is in. That's what the Kaiju Commissioner's marketing people are telling him. Throwback jerseys, Atari video games, intractable military quagmires - it's like someone dug up a time capsule, slipped it in our drink, and the next thing we knew we were all trippin' on cultural detritus! So, the Commissioner has joined the trend by posting the first in a series of online retro Kaiju videos - Warsaw Wafu Excitement! Featuring footage straight out of 2002's Warsaw Wafu Fun Battel and accompanied by a jaunty electro-ethno-pop soundtack, Warsaw Wafu Excitement delivers all the highlights of Kaiju Big Battel's first Brooklyn Battel, plus a rare glimpse of the legendary Hulking Jingi.

Kaiju Heroes Headed to NYC.

Kaiju Heroes Los Plantanos and Dusto Bunny are headed to New York City for New Year's Eve, but they won't be making merry they're on a mission. Following threats by killer Rogue Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, and sightings of The Grudyin in Manhattan, the twin freedom fighters and the sage hare will be providing protection for electro-funk rock band Particle, mutant guitar virtuoso Buckethead, and Japanese action comic punk band Peelander-Z. Additionally Los Plantanos and their special friend Louden Noxious will be holding a Kaiju holiday celebration, to remind the Irving Plaza audience that not all Kaiju are shady. Tickets are still available at any Ticketmaster location or online at ticketmaster.com.

Particle w/ Buckethead and Peelander-Z
Special Appearance by Kaiju Big Battel
Where: Irving Plaza, New York City
When: December 31st, Doors at 8pm, Showtime at 8:30, Champagne toast at midnight!
Tickets: On sale now at ticketmaster.com, and all Ticketmaster outlets.
More Info: www.particlepeople.com

Pick the 2004 Fan King.

Voting recently opened for the 2004 Fan King of Kings, and the early leader in the poll is February's Fan King, Kristian Y's Team Space United with 45% of the vote. The race is not over however, as the January (Kaiju Apple Pie), March (TotallyÉGihern! Game), and October (Silver Potato to the Rescue! Illustration) Fan Kings all have at least 10% of the vote. The poll will stay open through 10am on January 5th, so don't miss your chance to help decide the greatest Fan King of 2004!

Super Wrong Sparks Debate.

The release of the Hello Super Wrong Kaiju bio and his Danger Cage entrance video have spawned controversy among Kaiju fans. In pubs, schoolyards, and break-rooms across the globe, Kaiju fans are debating the identity of Super Wrong's mysterious, world-conquering Kaiju ancestor. On the Kaiju Big Board, debate has focused on all manner of suspects. Some are obvious (Dr. Cube - hates humans) while others seem unlikely (Pablo Plantain - dancing runs in his family). Kaiju Board Member darth_stink suggests Louden Noxious, but exactly how Kaiju's resident martini-swilling MC would manage to unite all Kaiju and install a facist oligarchy is unclear. Join the debate yourself, by visiting the Kaiju Big Board.

Question of the Week:

Would you like to see Referee Jingi when he's angry?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 12/22/04

Happy Holidays from Kaiju Big Battel!

The Kaiju Commissioner and everyone at Kaiju HQ wish everyone (even Dr. Cube) the happiest of Holidays. Kaiju.com will return next week with a full update including a never-before-seen live event trailer!

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 12/16/04

Last Chance to Give the Gift of Kaiju.

You may not realize it, but Christmas is next week! So with time ticking down, it's time to place your Kaiju Holiday orders before it's too late. All orders placed by this Monday, December 20th, will be shipped immediately for delivery on or before the 24th. So visit the Kaiju Mall right now, and pick out a Kaiju gift or two for all your friends. And if you're not sure what to get, just refer to this handy chart:

Who?What You Should Give Them
Your FriendKaiju Holiday Gift Pack
Your GirlfriendGirlie Shirt, Dr. Cube Thong
Your BoyfriendT-Shirt, Dr. Cube Thong
Your MomDr. Cube Thong
Your Twin BrotherPlantain Pencil Pouch
Your WallLimited Edition Silk-Screened Poster
People with a DVD PlayerTerebi Sento DVD
People who Can ReadKaiju Book
People with RefrigeratorsKaiju Magnets
People with SARS Dr. Cube SARS Mask
Kaiju NovicesEverything!

And don't forget to check out all the special Kaiju Holiday Offers, including a free Marutambo Ornament with any order of $30.00 or more (not including shipping).

All About Super Wrong.

When Super Wrong burst on to the Kaiju scene at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS!, he immediately captured the crowd's attention with the most elaborate Danger Cage entrance ever, complete with pyrotechnics, a choreographed dance routine, and a jaw-dropping entrance video (view here). Of course when the confetti settled, Super Wrong lost his debut match in record time, but that hasn't stopped the Kaiju fans from embracing this flashiest of all Kaiju Heroes. But what is the real story behind the man in the bell-bottomed stretch-nylon jumpsuit?

In the brand new Hello Super Wrong bio, it's revealed that Super Wrong is actually a man of the future - a future where humans are enslaved by a tyrannical, yet disco-loving, Kaiju elite. Read the Hello Kaiju Bio now to find out how Super Wrong traveled back in time to the year 2004, and what mission has brought him to this century.

Plus don't miss the other recently published bios, Hello Neo Teppen, and Hello The Grudyin.

Los Plantanos on New Year's Eve!

With Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle threatening to disrupt Particle's New Year's Eve performance in New York City, the Kaiju Commissioner has been concerned that all Kaiju are getting a bad name among fans of the band. So, in a goodwill gesture, he has announced that Los Plantanos will throw a special New Year's Eve celebration at the show, complete with holiday gifts, Plantain-style dancing, and more. Hopefully once the crowd gets a dose of Pablo and Pedro with their patented party pants on, they'll understand that not all Kaiju are shady.

Particle w/ Buckethead and Peelander-Z
Special Appearance by Kaiju Big Battel
Where: Irving Plaza, New York City
When: December 31st, Doors at 8pm, Showtime at 8:30, Champagne toast at midnight!
Tickets: On sale now at ticketmaster.com, and all Ticketmaster outlets.
More Info: www.particlepeople.com

Who will be King of 2004?

With 2004 winding down, the Kaiju Commissioner has selected the last two monthly Otaku Fan Kings of the year. November's Fan King is Kalkris, for his thought-provoking piece, "What if Hell Monkey Had His Own Cube Helmet?" and December's winner is Brian B's Sky Deviler/Cube drawing. Check them both out on the Otaku Fan King page, plus see a couple of costume contest entries that missed last month's deadline in Otaku Plus.

With the final two monthly Fan Kings declared, it's now time to select the best Otaku submission of the year. All 9 of this year's Fan Kings are eligible, plus the Costume Contest winner. Study them closely and then head over to the Kaiju Big Board and cast your vote. Voting will be open through the first week in January and the winner will be declared the 2004 Fan King of Kings! And if you weren't lucky enough to be among this year's winners, start emailing your submissions for the January 2005 Fan King now.

Kaiju Big in Afghanistan.

In Afghanistan, coalition forces face many daunting tasks - flushing out the remaining Taliban insurgents, rebuilding the country's shattered infrastructure, safeguarding elections, and delivering foreign aid. But Corporal Don of the United States Marines has another mission - educating the children of Aghanistan about the Kaiju threat. While it's true that Kaiju tend to target large, modern cities, the US governement is confident that it's only a matter of time before skyscrapers and hi-rises start popping up from Kabul to Qandahar. So Corporal Don is teaching the next generation of Afghani leaders to recognize the different Kaiju factions by handing out reference stickers featuring the Kaiju team logos along with MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat). The Kaiju Commissioner applauds the efforts of Corporal Don and has promised to award him the Medal of Kaiju Service upon his return to the United States.

Question of the Week:

Does Hell Monkey have a Dr. Cube lap pillow?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 12/10/04

Teppen Turns to Cube.

Since entering the Kaiju Big Battel, Neo Teppen has been one of the few bright spots for the Kaiju Heroes. While the other Heroes have seemed powerless to stop the forces of evil, Neo Teppen has been systematically teaching the Kaiju Rogues a lesson or two in justice. And now, with 2004 winding to an end, Teppen has made a huge announcement:

"In 2004, I made a solemn pledge to put an end to the Kaiju Rogue menace. In 2005, I make the same pledge, but this time I'm coming for Dr. Cube and his Posse. I swear, on all that is good, that I will free Silver Potato from Cube's evil grasps by the end of the year, or my name isn't Neoooo Teppppeennnnnnnnnn!"

To find out more about the man who will take on Cube's Posse, visit Neo Teppen's brand new Hello Kaiju bio, and read all about how a trip to Mars changed Jim Summit from an ordinary man to an extraordinary Hero!

Ask the Commissioner.

Is [the Kaiju New Year's Eve appearance] a full scale battel? - Jay on the Kaiju Big Board

Dear Jay,

I can always count on the Kaiju Big Board crew to ask the important questions! That's why I always keep an eye on the Board. Well, actually I have my assistant keeping an eye on the Board for me, but I keep my eye on him, so really it's like I have a double-eye, or better yet, an eye-squared on the old Big Board.

As to your question, I want to clarify something - there will not be a full scale Big Battel event in New York City. Frankly, after the hellacious year we have suffered at the hands of Dr. Cube, I was hoping to ring in the New Year in quiet solitude. However it is my duty to protect the populace from the Kaiju menace, and when I heard Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle was threatening to interfere in Particle's New Year's Eve festivities, I had no choice but to assemble a team of Heroes to provide Kaiju security for the event.

I hope this show of force will discourage any Kaiju Rogues from spoiling what would otherwise be a wonderful evening of the musical stylings of Particle, Buckethead, and Peelander-Z. However, given Soup' s track record, I fear some manner of conflict is likely to occur.

Your Friend,
The Kaiju Commissioner

Do you have a question for the Kaiju Commissioner? Email commissioner@kaiju.com.

Particle w/ Buckethead and Peelander-Z
Special Appearance by Kaiju Big Battel
Where: Irving Plaze, New York City
When: December 31st, Doors at 8pm, Showtime at 8:30, Champagne toast at midnight!
Tickets: On sale now at ticketmaster.com, and all Ticketmaster outlets.
More Info: www.particlepeople.com

Hot Holiday Sellers.

Ask Dr. Cube. Hey, Cube. I'm picking out Xmas gifts for my peoples, and as a loyal follower I want to give them some Cube ish. What do you suggest? - Jimmy G.

Dear Jimmy,

Normally I would begin my response to you by ravaging you for your atrocious grammar or your use of made up words like "ish". However, I am currently in a generous holiday spirit, so I will answer your letter with a minimum of insult. You giant goon.

Assuming that "ish" isn't some sort of typo, like "Cube fish" (perhaps I should create a mutant one), or "Cube wish" (get sick and die), you must be interested in Cube merchandise. Well let me tell you Jimmy, there are plenty of choices for your current friends/future Minions.

I suggest starting with a tasteful Dr. Cube T-Shirt or Girlie Shirt. For the ladies you'll want to pick up a Dr. Cube Thong. I myself have never worn one, but my Fashion Minions assure me that they are all the rage. Also big this holiday season are my Cube SARS masks, and the ever popular Cube Propaganda Pack.

Of course, you can always pick up a Limited Edition Poster featuring my stunning likeness or even a special Holiday Pack (but you had best pick my T-Shirt!). But in the name of all that is unholy, do not purchase any of that pathetic Hero merchandise. Especially not the new Plantain Pencil Pouch. It is soooo lame.

So, in conclusion Jimmy, spend your hard earned holiday dollars on Dr. Cube merchandise. And if you spend over $30.00 (not including merchandise, you cheap so-and-so), you'll get a free Marutambo Ornament, celebrating my most tree-like monster!

Hoping Elves Eat Your Kitten,
Dr. Cube

Do you have a question for Dr. Cube? Email drcube@kaiju.com.


Last week, kaiju.com reported that The Grudyin was suspected of using the performance enhancing cream, The Rub. After further investigation it has become clear that only thing The Grudyin rubs into his fur is an herbal oatmeal protein fur conditioner. Our report was erroneous, and we apologize for accusing The Grudyin of using any kind of steroid cream.

Question of the Week:

What about a Cube dish?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 12/3/04

Soup Threatens Band; Commissioner Promises Hero Protection.

Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle's enemies list has always contained Heroes (RoBox), villains (Dr. Cube), and Rogues (Unibouzu) alike, but never before has he targeted a funktronic rock band. For reasons known only to himself, Kung-Fu has developed some sort of grudge against the band Particle, and has targeted them for destruction. In a scroll sent to kaiju.com this week, the killer can issued a less-than-subtle threat:

"1/1/05 - Particle Will Be Dashed to Pieces"

While Soup's motives are unknown, his intent is clear, and the Kaiju Commissioner has reacted swiftly. As kaiju.com went to press, a crack team of Kaiju Heroes was being assembled to provide protection for Particle during their upcoming New Year's Eve performance in NYC. The Commissioner has confirmed that while a full-scale Battel will not occur on New Year's Eve, the possibility for mayhem is high whenever Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle is involved.

Particle w/ Buckethead and Peelander-Z
Special Appearance by Kaiju Big Battel
Where: Irving Plaze, New York City
When: December 31st, Doors at 8pm, Showtime at 8:30, Champagne toast at midnight!
Tickets: On sale now at ticketmaster.com, and all Ticketmaster outlets.
More Info: www.particlepeople.com

Hot Holiday Sellers.

With the holidays fast approaching, all of the hardworking elves* at the Kaiju Merch Warehouse are scrambling to fill a mountain of merch orders. Curious what the most popular Kaiju gifts are this year?

T-Shirts - How can you go wrong with a T-Shirt or Girlie T featuring Dr. Cube, Kung-Du Chicken Noodle, or Los Plantanos? The ideal gift for people who wear shirts.

Dr. Cube Thongs - The all-time favorite Kaiju Mall item is back in baby blue, with a Cube logo, and the wholesome tagline, "Danger Can Happen!"

Kaiju Card Set - Hand printed in the style of Japanese New Year's postcards, these limited edition cards feature holiday greetings and illustrations by Boston artist Yoriko Shiraishi.

Plantain Pencil Pouches - Once again, Rachel Hawkins' hand-made fashions have taken the Kaiju Mall by storm.

Limited Edition Posters - The are currently five hand-screened, limited edition Kaiju prints available and people are snatching them up at a record pace. Order one now, so you'll have time to frame it before Christmas.

Kaiju Holiday Gift Packs - These special gift packs combine a Kaiju shirt, with a DVD and/or book, plus pins, stickers, and more for one low price.

Marutambo Ornament - The first ever Kaiju ornament is only available at kaiju.com: it's free with any order of $30.00 (not including shipping) or more!

* In actuality, the Kaiju Merch Warehouse employees are neither elves nor hardworking. For the most part they're lazy dwarves.

The Grudyin on The Rub?

Following last week's debut of The Grudyin's Hello Kaiju bio, rumors have emerged that the feral beast is a user of the performance enhancing substance known as The Rub. According to sources within Kaiju Headquarters, The Grudyin has been under investigation since September for use of The Rub, a gel-like topical ointment that is rubbed into muscle tissue. Developed by the Kaiju Battel Laboratory Company (KABALCO), The Rub is said to contain Testosterone, Estrogen, Human Growth Hormone, Mutant Growth Hormone, Monster Growth Hormone, eucalyptus, trace amounts of koala, and Red #9. Thus far Dr. Cube has declined comment, but kaiju.com has learned that The Grudyin is currently undergoing a battery of tests, the results of which will be known late next week.