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Title - Zero Hour Commentary

The Kaiju Commissioner promoted the Xbox 360 Zero Hour Big Battel as a celebratory night of good sportsmanship and Heroic achievements. Dr. Cube however didn't want to play the Commissioner's game and used the bajillian-watt multimedia event to demo the wicked ways of his Posse. The glassy-eyed Xbox fans were either falling asleep on white beanbags or neck-deep in make-believe digi-murder when Kaiju Big Battel erupted at 12 midnight. Within the seconds, the sobering slap of live monster mayhem had every gamer wondering why they ever played video games when they could watch Dr. Cube force feed Styrofoam to a sea pickle monster.

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosGhastly images and collateral aside, the Big Battel was a smashing success for the Heroes who managed to pull out two wins by the end of the night. Hopefully these victories heralded the Heroic reawakening that every Bible, Koran, Torah, and Book of Mormon has promised.

Kung-Fu Fury Battel
Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle defeated Neo Teppen

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosAfter singling out Kaiju Rogue Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle as a potential threat to the security of the Xbox 360 Zero Hour Launch Event, the Kaiju Commissioner deployed Neo Teppen to trash the can. Soup however had a message for the whole world, including Neo Teppen. And the message was this: Soup is prepared, determined, focused, and looking for a few new mountains to knock down.

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosAfter a few tense moments of Kung-Fu posturing, a Battel of epic kung-fu fighting erupted in the Big Ring. Neo Teppen looked sharp and relaxed as he began to Battel. Soup eventually turned the tide in his favor, but only after pulling a pair of hidden nun-chucks out of the turnbuckle. Soup launched a lightening quick nun-chucker attack against Teppen and soon got the winning pin. Apparently Chicken Noodle was feeling generous and consequently spared the life of Neo Teppen. Kaiju analysts speculate that if Soup was armed with his customary meat cleaver, Neo Teppen would now be the newest addition to the Kaiju Graveyard. Now that's some tough food for thought...

Triple Faction Action Dance Dance Dance
Super Wrong defeated Dai Hachi Hachi & D.W. Cycloptopuss III

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosThis three-way dance was to determine who was the best faction in the Big Battel. Each leading Kaiju faction was represented, with D.W.C. III repping the Rogues, Super Wrong, accompanied by Powa Ranjuru, fighting for the Heroes, and Dai Hachi Hachi in the corners of both Team Space Bug and Dr. Cube's Posse. Although each contestant had little previous Battel experience, they all had an equal chance to come out a winner. After a complex series of two-on-ones and double crossing moves the Heroes eventually got the double pin, thanks to Ranjuru's magical pixie dust, and despite Super Wrong's accidental pixie dust overdose.

Intern Induction Battel
Hero Intern defeated Call-Me-Kevin

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosShortly before the Zero Hour Battel erupted, the Kaiju Commissioner launched a new Hero Intern program to help train the next generation of Kaiju Heroes. Only weeks after being selected through an exhaustive contest-driven recruitment campaign, the Hero Intern was given a high tech helmet and the guidance of legendary Kaiju Hero, American Beetle. The Intern demonstrated ambition right from day one, augmenting his helmet with a shiny body suit, and a hand-crafted protective arm shield fashioned after an 8-bit Nintendo controller. This earned him instant gamer cred, and the crowd was behind the Intern the second they laid eyes on his larger than life controller. Everyone agreed, the Hero Intern was looking like a real winner.

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosCall-Me-Kevin was anything but impressed and decided to play cat and mouse with the Intern. CMK even gave the young Intern a false sense of confidence by walking into a few of the Intern's blows. Still, it wasn't long before Kevin turned up the beat down dial. At that point, it looked as though the Intern was either crying or laughing like a possessed pilgrim. American Beetle cheered and coached the Intern from outside the ring, until he could no longer stand the sight of his mentee getting the snot kicked out of him. Snapping like an old piece of Bazooka Joe bubblegum, the real American Hero jumped into the ring to save the Intern from further humiliation.

Beetle provided a few words of encouragement to the Intern and a whole bunch of mitten clad fists to Kevin's ugly face. In the end, a little help from the American Beetle was enough to give the Intern his first win and Call-Me-Kevin another L for his life long losing streak.

Xbox 360 Title Match
Dr. Cube defeated Unibouzu

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosThe night's main event featured Unibouzu challenging Dr. Cube in the Kaiju Championship Xbox 360 Title match. The bragadocious beast was so confident, he claimed he would not merely win; he would win by KOing Cube in the first round! This contest had more psychological warfare than an ugly divorce, but Cube's med school psych classes paid off, and he brushed off Uni's menacing posturing as nothing more than a parade of pride that was about to be rained on.

View Zero Hour Big Battel PhotosCube responded to Uni's threat by launching a technical attack like no other, dropped more surprise bombs than a super power. Surprisingly, the brutal Battel was practically devoid of interference and monster run-ins. Naturally, Cube's Apes of Wrath, Hell Monkey and The Grudyin, were on hand, but for once the menacing monkeys remained on the sidelines for the duration of the Battel. Hell Monkey did try to step to Unibouzu, but was quickly silenced by Uni's Murky Depths manuever. Unibouzu's attack-style was more wild and furious than ever, but it wasn't enough to earn the win. In the end Dr. Cube sunk Uni with the spine-cracking Iconoclysm, and walked away the victor.

Like an ammo-less n00b playing an Xbox shooter, it appears to be game over for Unibouzu's title aspirations. The two leading contenders to challenge Dr. Cube for the Championship Belt are now Uchu Chu and Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Soup. Regardless of who faces Cube next, we are entering a new chapter of Kaiju Big Battel history.