Hell Monkey on the Ropes

Hostage Exchange Caught on Tape

Three weeks ago Dr. Cube captured Mota Naru while the Spacebug was snooping around Cube's secret compound. Cube demanded Uchu Chu deliver instructions for Sky Deviler's un-hatched egg in exchange for Mota's release and cut off Mota's arm as proof of his sincerity. In response Uchu Chu kidnapped Cube's favorite monster, Hell Monkey. As a result the two evil factions agreed to meet and make a hostage exchange at a remote neutral location. Check out the newest Kaiju video to see how the monster mayhem went down.

Unofficial Sea Amigos Seek Official Faction

The loose Rogue sub-team known as the Sea Amigos issued a statement on Monday announcing their intent to break from the Rogue faction and create an entirely new team. The Sea Amigos consisting of Unibouzu, Call-Me-Kevin, and D.W. Cycloptopuss III want to be recognized as a independent team and enjoy the consequent rights and privileges of recognized Kaiju factions. Official Kaiju Faction benefits include a private dressing room, overdraft protection, a Sprint PCS family calling plan with rollover minutes, and a complete line of merchandise in the Kaiju Mall. The Kaiju Commissioner is reviewing the Sea Amigos application and has stated that he will "reserve final comment until a critical study including a Kaiju SWOT analysis is complete."

Mota Naru's Arm Contest Result

"Considering most humans are lazy buffoons, I was impressed with the fan response to the Win Motu Naru's Severed Arm Contest. Regrettably, Dino Kang Jr. had some bad Chinese takeout, so I had to select the winner myself. In an effort to make this a learning experience for all you dumb-dumbs out there, I've provided three select losing essays as well as my response to these feeble entries. Finally, I've presented to you the winning letter and explained why this particular entry won. Unhonorable mention is awared to "Jared," who had a stellar essay but surpassed the word count by 200 or more words.

-Dr. Cube

Losing Essay #1:

Dr. Cube, your greatness is too much for mere words alone to describe but I will try. The power of other fighters cannot compare to your divinity. Even the largest creatures cower at your fearful presence. I think I should receive the arm as a reminder of your awesome power. -Alex

Alex: If all you want is a reminder of my awesome power, I'll send a couple Minions to deliver you some hideous scars. My advice to you is get some mnemonic flashcards or some pink post-its!

Stick it,
Dr. Cube

Losing Essay #2:

Cube, Katrina has left me with only one arm. After making me shave my beard, she leaves me! Then she cuts off my arm! I suck and I'm missing an arm. I feel like Def Leppard drummer, Rick Allen. "Love Bites" is the only thing that gets me through. Help. -Jon

Jon: Given you are such a loser, I am afraid you would lose the arm and it would fall back into the hands of Team Space Bug. Next contest, I'll have to stipulate that losers need not apply.

Get lost,
Dr. Cube

Losing Essay #3:

Dear Blockhead, Give me Mota Naru's arm or I will tell Uchu Chu that there is a spy from your Posse in his ranks. Hand it over or else suffer the consequences. -Runnee

Runnee: This is not an essay, but a limp threat. Pay attention numbskull. Although I admire your guts and opportunistic demeanor, you failed to follow directions.

Go back to nursery school,
Cube

The Winning Essay

Cube is the best for being such an inspiring role-model, turning my friends and I from possible petty low lives that Baltimore would have turned us into, to bigger, more evil thinkers. Give us the arm to use as a symbol of power to gain infamy for us and the Posse. Sincerely, Shaggy of the Drunken Ninja Kru

Dear Shaggy: Your letter is brief and to the point. It also has a flicker of hope, which I appreciate in these troubled times. Besides that, your street gang name begs for pity. Considering you hang out with drunks and live in a pathetic city whose most famous export is Go-Go music, I award you Mota Naru's severed arm.

The Right Choice for your Bright Future,
Dr. Cube

More Better Bonus on Shocking Truth

Fans on the Kaiju Message Board have been trading wish lists of potential Bonus material for the Japanese release of the Shocking Truth DVD. In addition to a new 16 page full color booklet, the following will be included as additional bonus material:

Big Battel: Los Plantanos Fan Contest (AKA Los Plantains VS CIA Imposters)
Big Battel: Super Wrong Vs the Bear Remix
Fully updated Bios
More Better Fighto Trailer featuring Peelander-Z
Dr. Cube slide show featuring the Cube origin song, "Who is Dr. Cube" by Regenerated Headpiece
The Gakken release of Shocking Truth will be in stores in Japan just in time for Christmas. Japanese Kaiju fans are encourage to visit the Mixi Kaiju Big Battel community.

Question of the Week

Dude, how long does it take Jonathan to mail a check?