The Commentary you are about to read is the winner of the first-ever Kaiju Fan Commentary Contest. The opinions within are those of the author alone, and do not represent the opinions of the Kaiju Commissioner, the KRC, or kaiju.com. Furthermore the Commissioner denounces any and all mistruths that may appear below. He also finds the phrase "Swedish Chewbacca" to be both offensive and a potential copyright infringement.
Brooklyn Double Danger Commentary
by Cornelius Van Buren, Cube Anti Defamation League
I am loathe to set foot in the gloomy borough of Brookyln, but when I caught wind around the water cooler of what Doctor Cube had planned, I made an exception and was prepared to get Brookled. I'm told that there was some sort of musical entertainments before the Battel. I had to be told that, because I was lost amongst the smelly byways of Brooklyn - roads that have not changed their path since cows and sheep wended down Driggs Avenue. Appropriate, since the crowd of Brookylners were easily led beasts, following the shepherding of the pathetic Kaiju Commissioner and his lapdog "Kaiju Heroes". I hope to balance the demented mewling these pro-Hero fans will undoubtedly write with a more objective account of the event.
Battel 1: Selfish Shellfish Shellshock
Vegetius defeated Call-Me-Kevin and American Beetle
As a lawyer, I had mixed feelings about this match. While I feel that paternity suits should be settled in court, I also enjoy uncontrollable mayhem. It is something I struggle with daily. Putting my briefs aside, what promised to be an epic clash of the Land of the Free and the Sea of the Brave turned into Amphibious Annihilation as Vegetius mopped the cage with the two scheduled competitors. Beetle's patriotic pugilism was no match for the chelonian clobbering of... those things at the end of Vegetius's arms. With Beetle out of the picture, slow and steady beat the face, as a shell off the top rope sent Call-Me-Kevin running for Call-Me-Mommy. With a bold new Rogue and uncontrollable mayhem, this was about as great as a match not involving Doctor Cube could possibly be.
Battel 2: The Road to Cube, Exit 1-A
Dr. Cube defeated Dusto Bunny
Contrary to popular belief, the Posse and its legal retainers do not live up in an Ivory Tower. Oh, how I wish we did. Instead, we are all forced to interact with the rabble every day. We all hear the word on the street. People think Cube is afraid to face the heroes in the ring. "They" say that he uses his creations to fight his battles. To this I say, well obviously. A genius does not create an army of city-crushing monsters to run his errands, though Hell Monkey does pick up Cube's dry cleaning. Cube has devoted his obscenely valuable time and brilliance to creating monsters like Gomi-Man, and then he's not expected to use them? Preposterous!
Still, Cube is a man of the people, and when Napalean divulged that she was having some problems, Cube stepped up to bat. A lot will be made of his "fake" white flag waving, but don't believe for a second that Dusto Bunny believed that it was an actual surrender - the grimy fool simply hadn't seen anything white in his filth-filled life. To claim that he was somehow Pearl Harbored - by a SLUG, superdimensional or not - is just further proof that the Kaiju Heroes are hopelessly ineffectual and not fit to set foot in the cage with the Doctor. Hopefully they have all learned their lesson. There is a reason Doctor Cube taps his head after victory! It is not simply to remind you to purchase merchandise bearing his gloriously geometric visage - though that is also a good idea. It is because he is smarter than you!
Musical Tribute to Silver Potato
I am confident none of you need further proof that your Commissioner is a doddering fool surrounded by frightened yes-men, but in case you were looking for some, look no further than this magnificent musical melee. While I have nothing but respect for Chikako's storied career, the obscene amount of money involved with securing her appearance would've been much better spent trying to develop some sort of device to stop Cube - it's how Cube would've spent the money. Cube also never would've even thought about "cheering up" an injured loser like Silver Potato. The Slaughtered Space Spud would've found himself on the Minion Dining Hall dinner menu, food for younger, hungrier monsters that could help secure Cube's legacy in future centures. That's simply good fiscal - and scientific - sense!
Instead, Los Plantanos turn their backs on their "revolutionary" tenets to host a big budget bourgeois song and dance number, while running dog lackeys Louden and Jingi glutted themselves on pierogies. It was an act of mercy that Cube brought Marutambo and the rest of the crew to break up this debauched ridiculousness and inject into Kaiju Big Battel what the people want to see - reckless violence. Silver Potato is lucky there was a soundtrack to his brutalization, lest the world hear the pitiful moans of a tortured tuber.
Battel 3: Kaiju Kidnap Caper
Slo Feng defeated Gomi-man
There have been many misconceptions about the conditions under which Slo Feng came into the care of Doctor Cube and the posse. Hurtful words like "kidnapping" and "booby trap" have been thrown around. In fact, treasure maps are ancient Scandinavian symbols of an invitation to a health spa. Slo Feng received this invite, and happily scampered off into the wilderness, hoping for some relaxation and deep tissue massage. This is exactly what Doctor Cube intended to give him in Brooklyn!
Sadly, everything did not come up Cubic on this magic night in Brooklyn. Some foolish do-gooder calling himself Neo Teppin rudely interrupted the good Doctor's attempt to re-educate Slo Feng through the wonders of cranial shiatsu. Fearing a fair fight inside the squared circle, Teppin decided to attack the Posse during a moment of scientific inquiry and aromatherapy, setting off an epic battle through the dreary (but strangely sun-drenched) streets of Brooklyn. The minions dominated through the brilliant strategy of "outnumbering your opponents" until Slo Feng magically produced a thoroughly illegal Hammer of the Gods, turning the tide and clobbering Gomi-Man back into the Danger Cage. The Swedish Chewbacca wasn't content simply to use an illegal magical mallet - he also resorted to wielding an eldritch trashcan and mystic toxic waste in a desperate attempt to defeat the trash monster. Unfortunately, his desperate attempt worked out, and Cube's Posse was dealt its only defeat of the night - but only because of the dark voodoo powers of the smelly Swedish Chewbacca.
Battel 4: Kaiju Championship Belt Contest
Hell Monkey Defeated Unibouzu
I was too busying two-waying my condolences to Gomi-man to see what went down between Unibouzu and Chicken Noodle, but come one or come many, Hell Monkey is always prepared to fight - those last couple battels where he was notprepared excepted, obviously. But Hell Monkey's eyes were on the prize on this night, and the prize was already around his waist. Uni put on a good fight, but could not handle the Danger of newcomer The Grudyin, not even with the help of his Urchin buddy Call-Me-Kevin. Hell Monkey and Unibouzu took a tumble from the cage through the ring and STRAIGHT TO HELL, which is actually where Hell Monkey is from, so he picked up the win.
