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Someone Must Die Commentary

Sometimes it's easy to forget that the combatants in Kaiju Big Battel put their lives on the line every time they step into the ring/cage/urban-cityscape. At Kaiju Big Battel: Someone Must Die! however, Dr. Cube and his shocking new acolyte made sure we all were acutely aware of the mortality of our Kaiju Heroes.

Match 1: Tag Team Urban Conflict
The Apes of Wraths Destroyed Los Pantanos

View Someone Must Die Gallery 1Before the word "fighto" was even uttered, the Apes of Wraths rushed the Big Ring and laid waste to the towering Prodential Center. With high-rise glass windows shattering everywhere, the "Pru" was nearly polished off, when Los Plantanos answered the call of duty and bravely attacked Dr. Cube's damned dirty Apes. The Plantains made monkeys out of the gorilla, tying Hell Monkey to the ropes by his tail and picking apart The Grudyin with a combination of tag team tactics and hilarious novelty weapons.

The Battel tides turned however, when Pablo ran back to the dressing room to grab a more humorous, more novel weapon, but came back with a machete blade sticking out of his back! Mortally wounded, Pablo managed to stumble back into the ring, cream-colored mushed pouring out of his wounds and seeping across his peel. Referee Jingi promptly called for a timeout, in which he announced that while the wounded Plantain was in no condition to continue, the fighto would continue for a pin was needed to end the Battel! A visibly shaken Pedro was quickly double teamed by the Apes. The grieving Plantian didn't stand a chance as the two filthy Apes of Wraths delivered a double pin for the win.

As the ring was cleared and Pablo was whisked away to the care of the finest surgeons, botanists, and postharvest physiologists in Boston, Louden Noxious tore into a ferocious tirade, accusing Dr. Cube of the heinous knife attack. The Kaiju censors could barely keep up with Louden’s emotional explosion, but he was quickly cut short when Dr. Cube entered the ring to defend himself. Pointing out that he was ringside the entire Battel, Cube offered up a solid alibi, but few doubted that he had a latex-gloved hand in the attack.

Match 2: Intern Promotion Match
Hero Intern Completed His Vegetius Assignment

View Someone Must Die Gallery 2The Hero Intern, accompanied to the ring by Neo Teppen, bore a newfound confidence to match his dashing new leg gauntlets. From the moment Jingi slapped the mat, the Intern came out strong and managed to counteract Vegetius' sheer power and hulking mass with his go-go-get-em intern attitude and agility. Like many interns before him however, the Intern got a bit too cocky and like a drunken summer partner at the company softball game, began showboating and ignoring the advice of his mentor, Neo Teppen.

The Hero Intern's youthful exuberance, opened up a hole for Vegetius to poke his pointy head into, and soon the beast's razor sharp beak had ripped the Intern's silver jumpsuit to shreds. Just when it looked like the Intern would be heading back to Hero college without another notch on his resume, Neo Teppen pulled him aside and gave a motivational speech that would make Tony Robbins weep tears of pure joy. Reinvigorated, the Intern managed get back in the ring for another swing. After pushing past his personal threshold of pain and shaking off several poly-traumatic blows, the Hero Intern actualized his inner Hero and took out Vegetius with an aerial assault off the top ropes.

With this win under his belt, the Hero Intern is already talking about taking it to the next level and taking on one of the top Big Battel baddies. Some within Hero circles are concerned that the Intern may be moving along the Hero ladder too quickly, but he remains confident that his next Battel will cement his position as a full-fledged Hero.

Match 3: Fight City, Population Kaiju
Force Trooper Robo Triumphed Over Giii, Shrooma Tango, D.W. Cycloptopuss III, Mota Naru, RoBox, Call-Me-Kevin, and Super Wrong

View Someone Must Die Gallery 3What started off as a one-on-one matchup between Force Trooper Robo and Giii quickly devolved into a free-for-all as a parade of Kaiju tried to make their mark in the Big Battel ring. Early on, Force Trooper appeared to be in need of some WD-40 as his rusty ring moves seemed no match for cookie-shield wielding space pirate Giii. Recycled Hero-tron RoBox managed to take out the menacing marauder and then the party-crashing Call-Me-Kevin, but it wasn't long before D.W. Cycloptopuss III had made his multi-limbed presence felt, disarming RoBox and dumping the corrugated crusader out of the Big Ring.

With D.W. and his personal clam-scent stinking up the ring, the Hero-supporters in the audience desperately needed one of their greatest champions to save the day. What they got however was the dance-stylings of "Hero" Super Wrong who made his way to the ring with an elaborate choreographed routine, only to exhaust himself before he even threw a punch. Dr. Cube's fungal fiend Shrooma Tango managed a better showing however canceling out D.W.'s stink with his own residual pig-dung odor. The two odiferous monsters fought each other straight out of the ring, leaving the squared circle empty.

Sensing a chance to score their first Big Battel win, both Super Wrong and Call-Me-Kevin rushed back into the ring, and the crowd went wild as the two most "losingest" losers in the Big Battel were about to determine just who was the least incompetent of all! Before Super Wrong and Call-Me-Kevin could kick off this anti-championship face-off though, Team Space Bug's Mota Naru stormed the ring and beat both to a pulp. Force Trooper Robo reentered to take on the monster from Mercury, but fared no better against the orange crush.

With Mota Naru looking like the Battel victor, Kaiju's tiniest package of Big Battel excellence, Powa Ranjuru rushed the ring and unleashed a flurry of acrobatic attacks. Manhandling the much larger Mota, Powa knocked him for a loop before reviving Force Trooper, and forcing Giii back into the ring. Revitalized by Powa’s pixie powder, Force Tropper made short work of the space pirate and picked up the pin for a victory in his return Battel - a victory which will soon air live (via tape via Action Blast! On G4TV via basic-digital-cable via Tivo) on your television!

Match 4: Pocky Tomb of Doom
Unibouzu Entombed Dai Hachi Hachi

View Someone Must Die Gallery 4Unibouzu and Dai Hachi Hachi entered the Kaiju Big Ring knowing full well that one of them would end the night trapped inside the most delicious tomb of doom ever. With Uni's awesome Danger Cage-suited high flying skills, somewhat grounded in the Big Ring's 4 foot high confines, Dai Hachi Hachi was able to administer some stinging attacks to Uni's purple pickle head. However, once Uni got his footing, he stepped it up and turned the tables, swatting the Space Bug Down and threatening to submarine Dai Hachi Hachi’s burgeoning Big Battel career. Hachi wasn't giving up however, and quickly pulled some super-sized sticks of Pocky from the Tomb of Doom and played baseball with Uni's ugly head.

Both beasts were determine to win the match, and it appeared that neither would be able to force the other into the sugar-coated coffin. Coming to a stalemate, Dai Hachi pulled out a 7.62mm trump card, and attempted to force Uni into the Pocky box at gunpoint. Incredibly, Uni was able to disarm Hachi and then used the Space Bug’s own armament to force him into the Pocky Tomb of Doom, securing his first win of 2006. Of course Uni being the ill-tempered Rogue that he is, followed up the victory with a pair of top-rope deep sea dives onto the Pocky Tomb of Doom with Dai Hachi Hachi trapped inside.

Big Battel Contest

After such a morbid contest, Louden decided to lighten the mood and invited his Action Blast partner Beav to co-host Kaiju's first ever wet t-shirt contest. Not being the sharpest tool in the shed, the Beav dumped a giant bucket of water into the Kaiju treasure chest of free goodness, soaking hundreds of T-shirts to the bone. Louden promptly sent home the eight J-pop superstars scheduled for the contest and proceeded to toss the soaking wet t-shirts into the frenzied Danger Zone mob. This moment of levity was cut short however, as Louden got the bad news; despite the tireless efforts of his doctors, Pablo Plantain had been pronounced dead at Mass General Hospital. Beav instantly broke down in tears and soon the whole audience was bawling along with him. The unthinkable had occurred - Pablo Plantain, one half of the greatest Kaiju tag team of all time, was dead.

Main Event: Kaiju Big Battel Championship
Dr. Cube VS Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle

View Someone Must Die Gallery 5The crowd was shaken but even the pall of death hanging over the Hynes Convention Center couldn’t dampen the excitement for the night's Championship match between Dr. Cube and Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle. Long considered the top two combatants in the Big Battel, this match up was more highly anticipated than Mom vs Fourteen Year Old Girl MMCMXVIII. Dr. Cube was up to his dirty old tricks right from the beginning of the match, employing a steel chest protector that nullified Soup's early attempts at the Five Fingered Chowder Fist, and left the killer can's hand badly broken. Always the cunning tactician, Cube attacked Soup's mangled hand and began to dominate the match.

Just as Cube looked poise to successfully defend his belt, none other then Uchu Chu and his Swarm made their triumphant return to the Big Battel. Uchu, fed up with Cube's recent meddling in Space Bug business, laid into the mad doctor, leaving Cube dazed and abused. With both Cube and Soup seriously injured, the exhauseted pair managed one final brutal volley of kicks and punches. Then, in an uncharacteristic mental lapse, Cube abandoned all caution and rushed headlong at Soup, leaving his torso completely unprotected. Miraculously, Chicken Noodle was somehow able to ball his battered hand into a fist and deliver a fully charged Five Finger Chowder Fist, taking down Cube. With Dr. Cube completely incapacitated, Soup then scored the pin and became the new Kaiju Champion!

View Someone Must Die Gallery 6Moments after his victorious pin, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, as well as poor, defenseless Referee Jingi, received a beating courtesy of Cube's entire ringside Posse. The Kaiju Heroes attempted to restore order, but the Posse was too strong. Just when all hope was lost, Pedro Plantain ran to the ring and led Force Trooper, RoBox, Slo Feng, and Powa Ranjuru in an impassioned charge. Monster after monster fell victim to Pedro’s pounding fists of rage-ahol fueld fury. With the Posse subdued, Pedro then laid Cube out flat before beckoning to the backstage area.

In answer to Pedro's hail, long lost Hero Silver Potato made his triumphant Big Battel return as the crowd went crazy. Bathing in the crowd’s adoration Potato climbed to the top rope and prepared to launch a Spudsault onto the prone Dr. Cube below, in a scene reminiscent of Potato’s triumphant moment at Mayhem in the Atrium V. But Potato never delivered the Spudsault. Instead, he threw his hand up in the air in a Posse salute and pulled out the very knife that killed Pablo Pablain! Leaping from the top ropes, Potato turned his au gratin kick against the Heroes in the ring, and helped the Posse to their feet. Then with the Posse holding Pedro Plantain upright, Potato raised his blade to finish off Los Plantanos once and for all.

Thankfully, before the traitorous blow could be struck, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle came to, and kicked the knife away from Potato before running off the Posse and its newest member. The weary Heroes then offered the Can their handshake in thanks, but Soup, always the cold hearted Rogue, turned away, and raised the Championship Belt over his head as he exited the Kaiju Big Ring.

With the Big Battel over, Kaiju Big Battel was left in a heap of chaos and rubble. Dr. Cube had finally lost the Championship Belt, but in the process two of the greatest Kaiju Heroes were lost - one by death, and one by treachery. Only time will tell if the Kaiju Heroes will be able to recover from this devastation, but time is something that the Heroes may not have much of as the next Big Battel approaches...