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Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 5/26/04

Vegan Vampire Expires.

Just two weeks after bursting onto the Kaiju scene, Vegan Vampire has passed on. The undead herbivore was just 12 days old, when he succumbed to complications of severe blood starvation. Vegan Vampire's core mission - the protection of animals against Kaiju threats at all costs - ultimately cost him his brief unlife. A diet consisting only of blood oranges and tomato paste simply could not sustain Veggie V, as his friends liked to call him. Vegan Vampire is survived by PETA and an ageless aristocracy of ruthless soul devourers.


As a service to the bereaved, kaiju.com has collected reactions to Vegan Vampire's passing.

"I am personally inspired by Vegan Vampire's selfless sacrifice. I hope millions of children grow up to be just like him." - Greenpeace Spokesman Bjorn Dore

"The death of a vampire that doesn't suck blood?! Even a buffoon like the Kaiju Commissioner could see that one coming!" - Dr. Cube

"Vegan Vampire's story is amazing and it should be made into a TV show. Something well-written and character-driven, with sharp wit and plenty of action. You know, something a network would never want to prematurely cancel." - Joannie Dylan

"Vampire! Vampire! Vampire! Vampire!" - Louden Noxious

"I am shocked and deeply saddened by this loss." - The Kaiju Commissioner

Call-Me-Kevin Shameful.

Vegan Vampire's funeral service, an otherwise somber affair, was sullied by the antics of Call-Me-Kevin. It seems that Kevin, desperate for his first Big Battel victory, burst into the cemetery where Vegan Vampire was being buried, smashed the casket to pieces and attempted to pin the lifeless corpse. However Referee Jingi, there to pay his respects to the deceased, made a quick judgment and refused to award Kevin the win as it violated Rule VII, Section 7 of the Kaiju Battel Rulebook:

"If a Kaiju combatant is killed, only the Kaiju creature who killed him (henceforth "the killer") is eligible to make the pin; however the killer may, of his own volition, defer to another Kaiju combatant, but only if both that combatant and the victim were engaged in a fully sanctioned Kaiju Big Battel at the time of the death."

So thanks to Jingi's mastery of the arcane rules of Kaiju Big Battel, Call-Me-Kevin remains winless in his Kaiju career.

Ask the Commissioner.

"Why did you allow Vegetius to be held against it's will? It's a wild beast and it can take care of tself." - Kaijufighto

Dear Kaijufighto,

Thank you for your email. I share your concern for Vegetius. As a nature lover myself, I would have loved nothing more than for Vegetius to roam free. However, its destructive rampages put everyone at risk and I had no choice put to order American Beetle and RoBox to subdue the creature.

That being said, I want you to know that I take questions of this sort seriously, and I have therefore launched a blue ribbon commission to investigate Vegetius' capture and subsequent containment at Kaiju Headquarters. I am confident that this panel will issue a report next week confirming that Vegetius was dealt with in the most humane manner possible.

Your Friend,

The Kaiju Commissioner

Do you have a question for the Kaiju Commissioner? Email him at commissioner@kaiju.com.

Merch Alert!

Ever since Dr. Cube won the Championship Belt, his T-Shirts and collectables have been flying off the shelves. T-shirts, Girlie shirts, SARS Masks, pins - all have been hotter than a Hell Monkey hiccup. But perhaps the most popular item of all has been the Limited Edition Dr. Cube vs Silver Potato poster. This 8-color, hand silk-screened 20" x 30" print is individually signed and numbered and limited to a run of forty. And now there are only 4 left! Get one today in the Kaiju Mall before they are gone for goodÉ or evil.

Nothing Wrong with Super Wrong!

Despite his humiliating, one-punch loss at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! Super Wrong has attracted a worldwide following in the weeks since his debut. First it was Kaiju Fans on the Big Board who declared their love for Super Wrong and his flamboyant style. Then, faster then you can say "idea virus," Super Wrong fan sites began popping up across the internet. It wasn't long before Super Wrong was being hailed as the newest pop culture phenomenon. But parents, marketers, and other people over the age of 25 remain puzzled by the appeal of the all-flash and no-bash Kaiju combatant. So the Kaiju Commissioner, always at the forefront of hip trends, has asked Dr. Jane Geertz to write her next Kaijuology Report about the Super Wrong phenomenon.

Are you a Super Wrong fan? If so, email Dr. Geertz, and let her know why you think Super Wrong is so right!

Question of the Week:

Who's been haunting Slo Feng?

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 5/20/04

Breaking News Break. The entire staff of kaiju.com is in the field this week covering a breaking story about new Kaiju Rogue, Vegan Vampire. We will return on Wednesday May 26th with full coverage of this developing story.

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 5/14/04

Mayday Trailer!

One part drama, one part comedy, and two million parts Kaiju action, the Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! Trailer is now online. Relax and listen along as Louden Noxious asks you to visualize a world free of monster chaos... and then witness reality, in the form of the Big Battel that shook Bean Town to it's Brahmin core. For more Mayday! info, check out the official Battel Commentary, featuring a blow-by-blow account of the action, plus full-color photos.

Otaku Fan King Online!

Past Otaku Fan Kings have won the coveted award with all manner of Kaiju fan creations - photos, paintings, sculpture, DIY toys, digital art, even a video game. And now this month, for the first time ever, a website has won the award! Per order of the Kaiju Commissioner, Bald Ned Wyatt has been crowned May Fan King for his awesome Unibouzu tribute site. Ned beat out some tough competition including some excellent Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! photos, and the latest Fan Art from Monstermaniac.

There are already several submissions be considered for June's Fan King. Get in on the competition, and the excellent Kaiju Prize Pack, by emailing your Otaku Fan submission to rob@kaiju.com.

Vegetius Loose Like a Goose.

When Vegetius ran amok at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS!, Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny was able to save the day, protecting the citizens of Boston from the rampaging beast. But Dusto lacked the follow through you might expect from an astute master of mind and body: Vegetius, after being defeated, was simply allowed to wander away into the streets of Boston. The next morning, the creature-in-a-half-shell tore through Boston's legendary Haymarket, stuffing his gullet with cart loads of vegetables and assorted meats, before burrowing straight through countless strata of pavement, concrete, rebar, and rock and disappearing into the ground. At this time Vegetius' location is unknown, but local politicians, concerned about the upcoming Democratic National Convention, are hoping he's burrowed straight out of the Bay State.

New Villain Debuts.

Last night, at a sparsely attended press conference in the heart of Transylvania's hip, young SODRAC (South of Dracula's Castle) neighborhood, the newest Kaiju Rogue made his presence known to the world. Wearing a hemp cape (died with organically grown blackberries), Vegan Vampire declared war on all carnivorous Kaiju. "I have vut one goal in Kaiju Vig Vattel, to protect animals from veat-eating Kaiju!" With this broad mandate, Vegan Vampire, will find himself taking on all manner of Big Battelers, including steak and potato-loving Hero American Beetle, omnivorous Rogue Vegetius, and perhaps even the evil space glutton himself, Sky Deviler.

Although Vegan Vampire's true identity is unknown, he has already been linked to a missing PETA activist, who was last seen lecturing a tall, dark stranger about the moral repugnancy of drinking raw pig's blood.

Question of the Week:

What's wrong with Super Wrong?

Kaiju Big Battel New Flash 5/7/04

Mayday! Commentary! Boston SOS!

The official Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! Commentary has now been posted. Featuring a blow-by-blow account of the Big Battel action, the Commentary also includes 27 full color photographs, depicting all the triumph and tragedy from last Saturday night. Check out the Battel Commentary now, and lookout for next Wednesday, when the full event trailer will be released in Kaiju Bideo Entertainment Television Action!

Fan Commentary Contest.

Now that you've read the official line, what do you think about what went down in Boston last Saturday? If you have a fresh take, some clever lines, and a smidge of writing ability, you could win a big Kaiju prize pack, including an actual squirrel thrown by Marutambo at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! (picture unavailable, as squirrels are currently in transit from Bob's Welding and Taxidermy Shoppe). Just email your fan commentary to rob@kaiju.com for your chance to win. All entries must be received by Friday May 14.

Otaku Fan King Deadline Extended.

By order of the Kaiju Commissioner, the next Otaku Fan King will not be crowned until next Wednesday. This extension will allow fans sending in their photos from Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! to be eligible for this month's award. Send your pics, and other Otaku submissions to rob@kaiju.com today!

Faction Can Happen!

Super Wrong's unveiling wasn't the only debut at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! Over at the Kaiju merch booth, a new Kaiju shirt was making it's first appearance. The new Faction Can Happen T-shirt features the original, limited-edition Faction Can Happen design, this time on a red T-shirt. Pick one up now in the Kaiju Mall, where you can also find newly restocked Los Plantanos Ain't Yellow and Cube Star T-Shirts, and soon to be out-of print classics RoBox, Fighto!, and Silver Potato.

Question of the Week:

Kaiju Big Battel New Flash 5/6/04

Commentary Coming!

The Kaiju Commissioner announced today that the full Battel Commentary for Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS!, accompanied by full-color photos, will be published tomorrow at kaiju.com. In the meantime, check out this Battel review.

Also coming tomorrow will be news of a brand new fan contest, this month's Otaku Fan King, and more!

Kaiju Big Battel News Flash 5/1/04

A May Day to Remember!

Saturday May 1, 2004. This date will forever be remembered as the night Dr. Cube finally took back the Kaiju Championship Belt at Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! Much to the horror of the Kaiju-crazed Bostonians who packed the Avalon nightclub, Cube turned Hell Monkey's pitiful drunken performance into a Championship opportunity!

Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS Results

Battel 1: The Rabbit and the Rampage
Dusto Bunny saved American Beetle from Vegetius
Before the evening's scheduled Battels could even begin, Louden Noxious revealed to the world the captured Kaiju Rogue Vegetius. Unfortunately for Louden, the caged creature broke free of his restraints and took out Louden, Referee Jingi, and American Beetle. Luckily, Dusto Bunny arrived to save the day with his Bunny-Fu!

Battel 2: Eternal Justice of the Aquatic Kind
Neo Teppen vanquished Call-Me-Kevin
Neo Teppen promised to clean up Kaiju Big Battel and he lived up to his word by beating troublemaker Call-Me-Kevin. Even the surprise return of D.W. Cycloptopuss III couldn't help the winless CMK - Teppen took them both out with a little help from fellow Hero RoBox.

Battel 3: Mystery Hero Debut Battel
Gomi-man embarrassed Super Wrong
With a 3 minute entrance, complete with video effects, escorts, teddy-bear throwing fans, choreographed dance moves, confetti, a disco ball, and much, much more, Kaiju Hero Super Wrong made his highly anticipated Kaiju Big Battel debut. Thirteen seconds later he was on his back, unconscious, as Gomi-man celebrated the win. Has there ever been a less auspicious Kaiju debut? Perhaps not. But at the very least Super Wrong scored huge style points with the Kaiju fans!

Musical Tribute to Silver Potato starring J-Pop Superstar Chikako
At Brooklyn Double Danger, Dr. Cube's Posse beat Silver Potato within an inch of his life. In Boston however, Los Plantanos stepped their security up a notch, and Potato was merely bruised, while Chikako wowed the crowd with her stellar rendition of the Silver Potato tribute song, "Peel Me Now."

Battel 4: Fruit, Flora, and Fauna Battel
Los Plantanos defeated Marutambo & The Grudyin
The Plantains continued the Heroes' winning ways by teaching Marutambo and The Grudyin a lesson in Big Batteling. The rookie Posse punks were no match for the experienced twins, and the lumbering Marutambo eventually fell at the hands of a Twin Axe attack!

Battel 5: Kaiju Championship Belt Battel I
Unibouzu defeated Hell Monkey
As Hell Monkey staggered into the Danger Cage, the beer ball in his hands and the slurred satanic growls coming from his mouth revealed his obvious intoxication. The beer-chugging chimpanzee was no match for Unibouzu, as the undersea urchin pinned the wasted ape in under three minutes. But before Uni could even bask in his victory, Dr. Cube issued a challenge...

Battel 6: Kaiju Championship Belt Battel II
Dr. Cube defeated Unibouzu
Dr. Cube, enraged by Hell Monkey's pathetic performance, quickly made a bold challenge - he would face Unibouzu in the Danger Cage! Uni, always a slave to his over-inflated ego, could not help but accept, and what followed was one of the most epic Battels in the history of Kaiju Big Battel. The Battel raged between the evil doctor and the devil from the deep, and each nearly notched the win on several occasions. Finally, Cube was able to deliver his devastating Iconoclysm, and emerged as the new Kaiju Champion!

For a full Battel commentary, complete with color photos, and more fallout from Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! check back at kaiju.com all week!

Commissioner Thanks Everyone!

The Kaiju Commissioner would like to thank everyone who made Mayday! May Day! Boston SOS! possible: FNX, Ace Fu Records, BWR, Comicopia, Doghouse Records, Evil Design, Koch Records, Rockstar Games, Universal Records, Fenway Recordings, Officer May, DJ Carbo, Derek Meier, Jeff Marshall, John Innamurato, Mark Kates, Mark Vieira, Melissa Farrington, Tim McKenna, Chris Rucker, Avalon and their excellent staff, and most of all - the Kaiju fans!