Get Pumped and Jacked

Tournament Kicks Off Quarterfinals

It's March Monster Madness here at Kaiju.com! As we drift closer and closer to Kaiju in 3-D on April 3rd, we've still got some business to take care of; the Double Danger Tandem Tournament! With the Space Pirates, Giii and Sekmet, winning their preliminary round earlier this week, the quarterfinal bracket was ready, but no one could be ready for the dynamic city-crushing action that transpired!

In the first matchup, the heavily favored Sea Amigos grabbed a decisive victory over the inexperienced Space Bug team of Yarsminko and Mota Naru. The Swarm team was bigger and stronger, but Mota Naru's immobility and Yarsminko's lack of leadership (and sobriety) skills squashed any hope the Bugs might've had at an upset.

In the second match, the Yokosuka Jump Squadron defeated Dr. Cube's team of Gomi-Man and Shrooma Tango, although the credit has to go solely to the mighty Dusto Bunny, who fought the entire match while the comatose Jeremiah and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome-afflicted Super Wrong sat on the sidelines.

In the Louisiana Bracket, the pair of American Beetle and Tadd Bradley took a big step towards reclaiming the Tandem Titles for the Kaiju Heroes, vanquishing the Space Pirates with a brand of teamwork not seen since, well, the last time American Beetle was a Tandem Title-holder.

In the final matchup, however, Dai Hachi Hachi shocked the world by not losing, although calling his Fighto a victory would probably be a stretch. After being beaten mercilessly by Marutambo and Super Minion #666, Dai Hachi Hachi stopped breathing and was declared clinically dead in the middle of the ring. But when Cube's Minions left the ringside area without actually pinning him, Kaiju Senior Official Jingi had no choice but to disqualify them. Dai Hachi Hachi was later resuscitated at a local hospital, and is expected to lose violently next week.

Kaiju in 3-D!!!

We're only weeks away from Kaiju in 3-D, the most amazing Battel the Warsaw will ever see! Tickets are flying fast, and fans across the galaxy can't stop talking about what unpredictable things will happen that they can't possibly predict. We'll have all the updates here on Kaiju.com, but there's only one way to see the show, and it involves getting your butt to Brooklyn!

Kaiju in 3-D
With Musical Guests Bryan Scary and the Shredding Tears
When: Fri, April 3rd, 8:00 PM
Where: Warsaw at the Polish National Home, 261 Driggs Ave, Brooklyn, NY
Tickets: $20, available at Ticketmaster

Teppen Tells Powa To Stay Out

With only weeks to go before Neo Teppen takes on Uchu Chu in their final Fighto for the Kaiju Championship, Teppen has taken the initiative of making this a fair fight. The Kaiju Champion has asked Powa Ranjuru to stay out of the match, and hopes that Uchu Chu will make a similar move with his Swarm.

Of course, you're probably thinking, "If Teppen is on his own, Uchu can win the match for sure if he can swing the numbers game in his favor!". But consider this; in their last two Battels, the man with the numbers advantage actually lost the match. When Neo Teppen and Powa Ranjuru outnumbered Uchu Chu at Shpadoinkelmania VII, Uchu took advantage of a miscue by Ranjuru and got the best of Teppen. At Escape to New York, Teppen was outnumbered by a few pesky Swarm, but still managed to get the belt back. After all, Teppen is a master of handicapped combat, having recently defeated all three Iron Bros by himself at the Brooklyn Battel.

"I mean, make no mistake, I appreciate Powa for everything she's done," said Teppen. "She's saved my butt more times than I can remember. But this time, I want it to be one-on-one, no distractions. Hopefully Uchu follows suit." But Teppen wouldn't completely rule out an appearance by Ranjuru. "Of course, I've talked this over with her already, and in case Situation Eight happens, yeah, I certainly hope she can get out there and bail me out again, but a Situation Eight hasn't happened in at least nine years." While refusing to clarify what a Situation Eight is, Teppen emphasized that it was very, very bad.

RoBox Sent on Secret Fact-Finding Mission

It's been a slow year for RoBox; with hardly any international conflicts across the world requiring his peacekeeping action, RoBox has spent much of the last few months sitting at the Kaiju Headquarters in idle mode. But a new initiative by the Kaiju Regulatory Commission seemingly has RoBox back in business.

Details are sketchy at the moment, but sources say RoBox was deployed a week ago by the Kaiju Regulatory Commission to begin a fact-finding mission and investigate the behaviour of a specific group of Kaiju monsters. RoBox was seen with an Excel spreadsheet open, taking notes, changing the animated paperclip to the wizard, entering formulas into columns, changing the wizard into the puppy, and making careful observations about each Kaiju monster he came across.

"We're sorry, but the Kaiju Commissioner is unable to comment," said the Commish's answering service, which sounds suspiciously similar to the response given to every single other question posed to the Commissioner's phone number over the last few months. What could RoBox's secret mission be? Stay tuned to Kaiju.com as we try to get to the bottom of this.