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Kaiju Big Battel
Next Week - Shpadoinkel Mania

Get Ready to be Shpadoinkeled

Hero Hopefuls Fight for the Right to Shpadoinkel

The Kaiju Commissioner is proud to announce that on Monday morning the last of 52 contestants was selected, screened, and cleared to Battel on top of the Taipei 101 building for a chance to be the newest Kaiju Hero. The selection process was not easy - 12% of those initially chosen were disqualified for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, and another dozen had to be replaced after they wandered too close to the sarlac pit out behind Kaiju Headquarters.

Despite the selection challenges, and violent anti-Battel protests from local Taiwanese pacifists, the special deathmatch fighto went off without a hitch today. Check out Louden Noxious' live podfighto coverage as he provides move-by-move commentary on this groundbreaking competition live via helicopter, and reveals the identiy of the victor, who will advance to take on Giii the Space Pirate at Shpadoinkel Mania XVIII.

Will it be Hell Husker? Old Man New Hampshire? The Shark Toddler? Ed from Rhode Island? Former President Bill Clinton? The Only Guy Who's Ever Lived in Wyoming? The Be-Cheddar? Caucus Clay? Electric Cowboy? Begrizzled Theodore? Babealicious Gimlet? Aztec Deshorado? Daryl the Camp Apocolypse Counselor? Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder? Tad Bradley Hawaiian Paddler? The Green Bastard? Listen to find out!

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Shpadoinkel Mania XVIII
Featuring: Kaiju Big Battel with special Japanese musical guest Gelatine
When: Friday, October 20th. Doors at 6pm, show at 7pm.
Where: Avalon Boston, 15 Landsdowne St. (behind Fenway Park)
Tickets: Available at Ticketmaster.com and all Ticketmaster locations. All Ages. $15.25

Pedro Swears Revenge

Pedro Plantain has challenged Silver Potato, now a card-carrying member of Dr. Cube's Posse, to a fighto at the upcoming Shpadoinkel Mania Battel. Pedro is looking to avenge the death of his twin brother Pablo, who was brutally stabbed in the back by Silver Potato at Someone Must Die this past May. The rotten Potato has welcomed the challenge and is reportedly confident that he can take out Pedro. "You kill one plantain, you can kill em all", remarked the traitor tater in a recent interview. This Battel is sure to be the most Shpadoinkel fighto of the evening.

Shpadoinkel Mania Shirts

A Big Battel as grand and royale as Shpadoinkel Mania XVIII demands a special commemorative T-shirt. This two color "distressed" design by Vinnie Arnone is printed on a high quality 100% cotton shirt and is limited to 110 pieces. These beauties will probably sell out at the Battel, so we set a few aside for the far away fans. Available in grey and army green for the guys. The gals get to choose a light blue or olive green Girlie T. Plus, if you're really feeling Shpadoinkel, buy the Limited Edition Shpadoinkel XVIII print.

Chicken Noodle Soup Dance

Will 2006 be the year of the Chicken Noodle Soup? We all know Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Soup - the brutal noodle and current Kaiju Champ! But, maybe you're as clueless as the Commissioner and you've never heard of the Chicken Noodle Soup Dance (as performed by Soup himself!). Well, wake up and smell the latest goof ball dance sensation that's sweeping the streets of the internet. People have called this dance many things - ridiculous, hilarious, racist, ignorant, but whatever you think of the song, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Soup couldn't care in the least.

In fact, Soup's lawyers have told him that the song violates several of Kung-Fu's trademarks, copyrights, and patents, but Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle isn't the kind of killer Soup Can who lets a pack of legal beagles do his dirty work. So the folks at Google can rest easy knowing that their latest acquisition won't be the target of any frivolous lawsuits. However, Eric Schmidt, Sergey Brin, and Larry Page beware - if Soup's interns spot you on Google Earth, they'll log onto Gmail and send Kung-Fu a message through GTalk, and he will add an appointment to his Google Calendar to come and kick your nerdily rich posteriors. And don't try to hide - there's nowhere on Earth, the Moon, or even Mars where you can hide!

Myspace Exclusives

Everyone has a myspace page, so why should giant city-crushing monsters be any different. Check out Kaiju's myspace page and sign up to be a friend of the Big Battel. Be sure to check in often for myspace exclusives, including Dr. Cube's latest interview. Rumor has it that an Uchu Chu interview will also be posted sometime this week. You can also be part of the online street team by picking up digital flyers and animate banners for Shpadoinkel Mania XVIII. And if that doesn't float your web boat, check out youtube.com for the new Peelander-Z Kaiju music video!

Potato Vows Never to Dance Again

Dr. Cube's Posse has released a statement on behalf of Hero-turned-evildoer Silver Potato claiming that he will never break dance again! Potato, now a card carrying member of Dr. Cube's Posse, is putting his childish pastimes aside so he can focus on winning the Kaiju Championship Belt for the Posse. Many had hoped that the evil Potato would maintain his break dancing fighting style. Fans of the old Silver Potato however, think that it is only right that he no longer break dances in that the traitor tater would only taint their memories of his former good natured, Heroic popping and locking.

Super Wrong Secedes

The Kaiju Commissioner was in a state of disbelief this week when time-travelling Hero Super Wrong gave notice. Apparently the dancing Hero has decided to leave the Kaiju Hero faction and focus his disco energies on the creation of a new faction, dubbed the "Yokusuka Jump Squadron." Kaiju analysts speculate that Super Wrong's ego took a beating as a result of the "roller skate" incident at All Out War in Brooklyn and he's now trying to compensate by making this power move. Kaiju's wise old sage, Dusto Bunny, defended Wrong saying that he "is going through a tough time and could certainly use the support of his friends, families, and fans." Super Wrong's shocking split from the Heroes is par for the Shpadoinkel Mania course and many predict an outburst of Super Wrong shenanigans at the upcoming Battel.

Ask the Commissioner

Dear Commissioner: How many kaiju big battles are there? -Larry

Dear Larry,

Well Larry, that's an easy question. Although Kaiju history is long and convoluted, and hundreds of thousands of fightos have occurred over the years, as well as scores of official Battels, as far as I know there is only one Kaiju Big Battel.

Have a shpadoinkel day,
Kaiju Commissioner

Do you have a question for the Kaiju Commissioner? Email him at commissioner@kaiju.com.

Tag Title Approved

Support for the creation of an all-new Tag Team Championship Title has been huge. Letters, emails, faxes, telegrams, and bricks wrapped with notes have been pouring into Kaiju HQ demanding that tag teams get their own gold. In response, the Commissioner has given the green light for the new Tag Team Title to be unveild atShpadoinkel Mania XVIII. Several teams have already signed up for a shot at the new title, including The Apes of Wrath, RoBox and Neo Teppen, The Swarm, and Unibouzu and D.W. Cycloptopuss III of the Sea Amigos. Cube's classic tag team, Napalean and SDS-1 have even come out of retirement, and with the dawn of this new era in Kaiju tagteams, more brand new monster hook-ups are sure to emerge.

Pre-Order the Shocking Truth DVD

Slo Feng on Video... and at Shpadoinkel?

Slo Feng, everyone's favorite viking Hero, has been missing from Big Battel action for months. Some fear that the "Swede You Need" has fallen into the clutches of Dr. Cube. Others have suggested the hairy Hero has taken some time off to bath after 10 hygeine-free years. Some have even suggested he has been hired by IKEA to design a new line of big and tall Hero furniture (it's a niche market, but Kaiju tend to go through a lot of furniture, what with all the Batteling and the weighing 1000 tons).

Recently however Slo Feng's name has been attached to a possible tag teamup with American Beetle. Could this Amero-Swedo-tag-teamo combo hope to match the primal power of Dr. Cube's primate pair The Apes of Wraths? Billions of humans hope so, because at this very moment The Apes are cutting a swath of destruction across middle America as they make their way to Boston for Shpadoinkel Mania XVIII.

In anticipation of a possible Slo Feng appearance at Shpadoinkel Mania, kaiju.com has released a brand new video Hello Slo Feng. Watch it now and then keep your fingers crossed that Slo Feng, or a Hero of equal might, steps up to end The Apes of Wraths reign of terror!

Fifty State Tournament Update

In an iniative aimed at encouraging new Hero recruitment in underserved areas, the Kaiju Commissioner is holding a nationwide tournmaent for prospective Heroes. The Commissh has been hard at work narrowing down thousands of candidates to one potential Kaiju Hero from each state (plus Puerto Rico and Guam). The Commissioner is pleased with the current candidates, but reminds all the hopefuls that a royal rumble style fighto on the roof of the world's tallest building (Taipei 101 in Taiwan) will be the ultimate test for these aspiring Heroes. The last fighter standing on the roof deck will be crowned the new Kaiju Hero and will go straight to Shpadoinkel Mania XVIIII to take on Giii the Space Pirate. Although a fight to the death is extreme, the Commissioner is confident that this contest will quickly reveal the fighting skills of the wannabe Heroes. As of Tuesday, the following contenders have been selected:

  • Green Bastard - VM
  • Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder - CO
  • The Mississippi River Rat Boy - MS
  • Tad Bradley Hawaiian Paddler - HI
  • Atom and Joshua Mann - TN
  • Begrizlled Theodore - ND
  • Daryl the Camp Apocalypse Counselor - ME
  • Electric Cowboy - TX
  • Portable Veblen - UT
  • Aztec Deshomrado - NM
  • Super Cooper - WA
  • Peter Paul Hates Mary - SC
  • Chi Town Chris Jones - IL
  • Curt Tangler - CA
  • Matt "The Minion" Newcomb - MA
  • Amen Athens the Axeman - GA
  • Babe Alicous Gimlet - PR
  • Zap Zaccardi - NY
  • The Enigma - ZK
  • The Incorporator - DE
  • Radioactive Retiree - AZ
  • Eye Dee - ID
  • Orange U. Glad - FL
  • Uncle Otaku - OR

If you think you have what it* takes to be a Kaiju Hero, but you don't see your state represented, or if you are willing to move to an unrepresented state for the chance to take part in a rooftop death match, email the Commissioner at commissioner@kaiju.com, with your Hero name and the state from which you hail.

* Generally speaking, "it" includes super powers, alien weapons, mystical enchantments, and/or a technologically advanced super-suit.

Question of the Week

Can I have a SMXVIII shirt?

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